Times Fun When You are Having Flies - Kermit the Frog

I thought often about what, if anything , to post on this day. What did I want the message to be? Who did I want to touch the most? Did I want to just summarize our last year or include things that I hadn’t before? Thinking about it was a lot of work so I decided just to write and see what happens.


One year ago today, I got the call I had breast cancer. Actually, I called the doctor because I couldn’t wait any longer but while I was on hold for her she called on the other line. At 3:32 pm. Yeppers, I remember the time. Let’s go back to the very beginning of what got me here in the first place.

Sometime during the beginning of February 2010, I felt a lump on my left breast while shaving. (I always feel the need to point out, I was shaving my arm pit not my boob.) It was hard and very different from anything I had ever felt. I knew what it was. I told Kevin about it but didn’t say, “I know its cancer!” lest I sound like a deranged lunatic. I just said, “It’s kind of weird so I’m gonna call the doctor.” He agreed and being the nagging husband he is, asked me a couple hours later if I had made the appointment all the while assuring me it was nothing. Yes, I had made the appointment but it would be two weeks before they get me in. Oh, and let me point out here that this is an appointment with my OB/GYN for an exam, not a mammogram. I’m not old enough to go in and just get a mammogram. (Don’t get me started on that BS!) So two weeks pass and I go in for my appointment. The nurse does the exam and says, “Well, you’re so young, I am sure it is nothing but just in case, let’s get a mammogram done.” I knew what it was. She left the room and came back with a mammogram scheduled for the following week for me.

The next week, I went in for the mammogram. I was the youngest one there. (Little did I know at the time that would become a norm for me during the next year.) So they call me back from the little lobby I am waiting in. At this point I have already changed clothes and am in a hospital gown with a plastic bin in my lap holding my belongings and making small talk with the other four or five women in the room. The weather’s nice isn’t it? Oh, yes, just beautiful. Mammogram is done and they ask me to wait while tech reviews it. Then they want to do a more detailed version so in for more boob squishing I go. Wait while tech reviews. Then they tell me the tech suggests a sonogram of an area of concern. So into the sonogram room we go. Takes about five minutes and I’m told, “We are sure it’s nothing but let’s get it biopsied just in case.” I knew what it was. And they schedule a biopsy for the very next day.

I go in for the biopsy and the doctor tells me that she should have the results back by the next day around 3 or so. “But, you are so young, I would bet it is just a cyst.” I knew what it was.

So during this time last year, Kevin was working insane hours. This particular day was a time he and his team pulled an all nighter. The day I was to get the results back I went into the office around 8:30 am and he left around 10:30 to go get some much needed sleep and would return to work later. I tried to keep busy all day working while looking at my phone every 5 minutes to make sure I hadn’t missed a call. Around 3:30, I just couldn’t take it anymore so I went into Kevin’s office who was still at home, shut the door and called the doctor’s office. The wonderful nurse and office assistant said, “Oh, uh, Crystal. I think she is trying to call you. Uh, hold on and let me see if I can find her.” Again, I knew what it was. While I was holding a call came on the other line and I answered it knowing it was the doctor. “Hi Crystal. This is Moya Griffin. The results of the biopsy are in and I’m afraid it’s cancer. It’s cancer. You have cancer. “ Silence. “Are you there?” Yes, I was there. “Grab a pen and paper so you can write everything down. I know it’s shocking but this will help.” Pen, paper and cancer, got it. Honestly, I don’t remember much of what was said after that except that she would know more tomorrow when Kevin and I were to go in for an appointment. All of the results weren’t back in yet so she couldn’t tell me much at this point except for it was cancer.

I dialed Kevin’s number and after several rings, he answered in the groggy voice that suggested he was still a sleep. I had held it together until I heard his voice, then I lost it. “Baby, what’s wrong, what happened?” It’s cancer. Silence. “Are you there, Kevin?” He was there. “Come home now.” “I have to go get the kids.” Oh my god, my kids. What the hell was this going to mean for them? “Can you drive?” Yes, I could drive.

I immediately left work without saying a word to anyone. I drove straight to get the kids and walked in with a smile on my face as if nothing were wrong in our world. The conversation on the way home was normal. “What was your favorite part of the day?” “Did you see Caleb today or was he in the baby room the whole time?” “Who’d you play with today?” When we pulled into the drive way, Kevin came out to meet us before we even got out of the car. The kids thought this was awesome because they hadn’t seen much of him lately. It was obvious he had been crying. Crying a lot. He later would tell me that after we got off the phone, he came downstairs and saw something on the counter that I had bought for Kaia and that’s when he lost it. We briefly hugged in the drive way. We both knew that if we did much more than that we would both lose it right there in the middle of the drive way.

As we get the kids inside Kevin says, “Did you call your parents?” I should explain now, that we hadn’t told a soul this was going on. Not my parents, my sister, friends, co-workers. No one but Kevin and I knew anything. We didn’t want to worry anyone when the possibility of it being cancer was so slim. Now we had some splaining to do. Of course, I wouldn’t call my parents until after they got home from work and I would tell them together so I would only have to say it once. Sounded like a good plan.

Kevin said he needed to call the office and tell them he wouldn’t be around for the next couple of days. Anthony needs to know. The CEO of the company we work for. Our boss. Our friend. The first person we would tell. It wasn’t a long conversation but it was reassuring. He told Kevin and I both not to worry about work, it would be handled. We do what we need to. And he would be there for anything we needed. I have said it many times before, we are lucky to work for and with such great people.

Well, it would be a couple of hours before my parents got home. Now what? We did what we do best. Dinner out and big beers. Maybe that would help calm my nerves before calling my parents. It didn’t. We put the kids to bed and it was time to call my folks. Mom answered and I made small talk for a little while and then asked where my dad was. He wasn’t home from work yet. Crappers. Then she knew something was up so I started stammering, “Well, I wanted to tell you and dad together but since that didn’t work…” What is it Crystal, are ya’ll moving? “No we aren’t moving. I have breast cancer.” Silence. I went on to explain that I didn’t have much information at this point but would know more tomorrow. And then I got in real bad trouble for not telling anyone what was going on until now. Real bad trouble. My mom then abruptly said, “I have to call Mee Maw. Is that ok?” Of course it was. Who wouldn’t want to call their mother at a time like this!? But I didn’t want too many people knowing before dad so don’t start telling other people yet.

At some point later, not too much later my dad called. Mom had told him about my “problem.” That’s what my dad would call it from then on out. I don’t think he ever said the word cancer to me. Anytime he was telling me about someone he met or someone he saw on TV that had breast cancer he would say, “She has the same problem as you.” My parents were both very supportive and I had to beg them not to come up until we knew more. Lord knows I would need them later. Both were also very concerned about how my sister would handle the news and couldn’t believe that I hadn’t even told her what was going on. Crap, I still need to tell my baby sister I have cancer. Once I got off the phone with dad, the phone didn’t stop ringing or getting text messages until I went to sleep. I seriously think there is a dedicated team that watches the phone activity of my mom’s family and when activity starts going up, they yell, “There is something going on with the Hanusch family, activity is spiking! Sound the alarm, sound the alarm! Activate the extra phone towers!” If they didn’t do that, there is no way the towers could handle that much volume.

My sister was still in school at that time so she called me as normal on her way home from class. I just let her talk and talk because I didn’t want to tell her yet and I wanted her to be home and not driving when I told her. After enough time I passed where I thought she should almost be home, I said, “Aren’t you home yet? How close are you?” Why? What’s wrong? “Nothing.” Crystal Renee you better tell me right now. “I have breast cancer.” Silence. I don’t remember what conversation we had after that but I do know that for the past year, no matter what I was going through or what was going on, I could always count on my sister to help me forget. She somehow knows when to ask or talk about the cancer and when to pretend it doesn’t exist. I don’t know how she does it but it rocks.

I was and would continue to be for months to come, completely overwhelmed with the amount of support I was already getting. The next few weeks would consist of several doctors’ appointments, many more tests and a lot of confusion. I started this blog to keep people informed of what was going on and it worked out really well. Not only did it do that but it also was a great source of inspiration and encouragement when I read people’s comments on my posts.

So here it is one year later. Stage 3A breast cancer. I have gone through lymph node removal, chemo, a double mastectomy, radiation, a multitude of tests and emotions and now I await reconstruction as my hair awkwardly grows back. On August 26, I was declared to have “no evidence of the disease” and that is beyond awesome. I still haven’t determined what I plan on doing with my cancer experience. Do I want to dedicate my life to breast cancer awareness or do I want to go back to what life was like before cancer? Can I go back to what life was like before cancer? Do I want my identity to be “the girl who had breast cancer” or do I even have a choice?

I do know one thing. I was impacted in such a positive way by this cancer. I was able to become less worried about cleaning and laundry and non-sense and more worried about spending fun times with my kids. As my husband would say, the stick isn’t as far up my ass as it used to be. This year my kids and I danced in the rain, had “snow ball” fights in the kitchen with wadded up paper towels, dyed our hair green with kool aid, I sprayed them with the water from the shower while they were fully clothed (they hated that though), they got to draw on mommy’s bald head with markers, rode an elephant... Maybe that’s what I will do with my cancer experience. I truly won’t sweat the small shit and will enjoy each day for what it is. Sure, some days, I forget to do that but I am much better than I used to be and for that I am thankful to cancer. Thank you cancer, for making me appreciate life. Oh, but also cancer, you can suck it! I kicked your ass as promised!