Yesterday, along with several friends and family, I participated in the Race for the Cure. What fun we had! You can view the pictures on my facebook page here:
You don't have to have a facebook account to see them. A huge thank you to all who participated and/or donated money to our team, Boobalicious! (BTW, you can donate through November 30 by clicking here http://austin.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/AUS_AustinAffiliate?team_id=140563&pg=team&fr_id=1985)
Love to all,
Crystal
Monday, November 8, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Getting RADical!
Shame on me for not updating this blog sooner! Screw that, why am I apologizing, I have cancer! Or wait, no I don’t. But I’m still in treatment so that gives me an excuse! I started radical radiation yesterday. Stage 3 of this journey for me. More on that later but first let me catch you up.
I met with my oncologist on September 10. She was thrilled with the results showing “no evidence of the disease.” Called me her favorite patient and everything. She said those were the best results that we could have asked for. My dad had come in to town to pick up my mom so they both went to the appointment with me. My mom went into the room with me and got to witness this whole interaction and see just how happy Dr. H was. I was so happy she was able to see that. We scheduled a CT Scan and a Bone Scan for October 1 to check on things and a follow up with their office in November. She told me I would have an MRI done once a year as well. She also said this would be the hardest time of my treatment. Emotionally speaking anyway. I already knew what she was talking about. She compared it to post partum depression. Post cancer depression? I have to admit that though I was so thankful, thrilled and every other positive adjective in this world that the cancer seemed to be gone, I was a little bummed. Well, maybe bummed is not the right term. I really don’t know how to explain it and the only explanation I can think of is this. I really had just started processing (really processing) the fact I had cancer and now in six months it’s gone. But I’m still in treatment and cancer is still in my life even though it’s not. Sneaky little bastard cancer. It’s like the ghost of cancer’s past. She said it would be hard because people would hear “no cancer” and expect everything to go back to normal when in fact it’s not normal. As much as I hated to hear her say this would be the hardest part, I was thankful to know my feelings were normal. I am happy to report that I got over those feelings pretty quick. I’ve said before and I will say it again, everyone deserves the right to get down in the dumps on occasion. The key is not to stay there. Think positive and be thankful for all of the wonderful things in life (and I have many!) and say goodbye to the gloomy Gus attitude! Life is too short not to enjoy it!
Anyway, the following week which was last week I met with the radiation oncologist (down stairs from Dr. H) and he was impressed with the healing so we were ready to start with radiation process. He gave me an Rx for a deodorant that doesn’t contain metal (my doesn’t either but I got his anyway). He also usually gives two Rxs for creams to help with burns but because my parents and Aunt Booboo and Uncle Johnny supplied me with Aloe Vera plants I only needed one Rx. He was so excited that I had Aloe Vera plants. The second cream I have is actually something that he developed. I apply Aloe Vera everyday once or twice a day and his cream at night every couple of days for the first three weeks and then every night after that. He said I should expect some fatigue around the end of the third week but nothing compared to chemo. Chemo didn’t knock me down too bad (except a couple of instances) so I have high hopes this should be easy peasy. So it’s time to take me to get my “markings” for the treatment. I was in the gown and walking from the exam room to the CT scan machine and this super sweet nurse was holding the back of my gown closed. As I was walking, I dropped my shirt and for some reason tried to pick it up with my foot. I ended up kicking it at this poor old man walking down the hall. Almost got him right in the face. Of course I laughed and he looked at me like you crazy bald boobless woman which made me laugh harder. But I digress…anyway they made markings on me in the form of tattoos to check my breath holds and other technical stuff I don’t feel like explaining. So my first tattoos are three tiny dots, one on my left side, and one in the middle and one on the right side all about the bottom of my rib cage. I left thinking oh, that’s not bad they made it seem like getting marked up was a big deal.
My first treatment was yesterday. Kevin and I got there and I changed into the always fashionable hospital gown. I get called back and I am super nervous for some reason. I don’t remember being that nervous for my first chemo. I think part of it was the fact that the whole staff in the radiation department is good looking. No offense to the chemo staff, you guys are good looking as well but these folks are freakishly good looking. So these freaks put me up on a table in front of a scary looking machine and start explaining everything. Doing a series of x-rays to make sure we get the spots we are supposed to, we are going to mark you up, we will be in and out of the room but this room is equipped with cameras and microphones so you aren’t ever alone (really?), take a deep breath, hold it, ok breath…on and on and on. Then they take magic markers and put big red X’s on my three tiny tattoos that I thought weren’t so bad. Then a random (I know it’s not random but whatever) purple X close to my arm pit. So now, I have a fuzzy head, no boobs and four giant (ok, maybe not giant) Xs on my body. For some reason I almost started crying. I did let one tear slip out but I am supposed to be completely still so I couldn’t wipe it. Then of course in true Crystal fashion I realized my panties were up my butt. I almost asked freakishly good looking intern guy number one to fix my panties and wipe my tear but not necessarily in that order. Picturing that in my head cracked me up but again I had to be perfectly still so I had to hold it in. Then I had to sneeze but managed to hold that in somehow. So my first radiation experience sucked. Well, not really but I thought it did. I just hate having to be still for that long while a big machine circles my chest and face and groans at me. It just feels so much colder than chemo did. Of course, the upsides of not getting sick and not having to be there that long outweighs that part of it. So I had a bad attitude yesterday but no worries, I’m totally fine. Today when I got there, I put on the lovely gown only to learn their computers were down. So I waited for an hour and then got my five minutes of treatment. It’s all very comical if you think about it. We will see what tomorrow brings. Whatever it is, I am sure I can slant it to be funny. Life should always be funny.
Love to all!
I met with my oncologist on September 10. She was thrilled with the results showing “no evidence of the disease.” Called me her favorite patient and everything. She said those were the best results that we could have asked for. My dad had come in to town to pick up my mom so they both went to the appointment with me. My mom went into the room with me and got to witness this whole interaction and see just how happy Dr. H was. I was so happy she was able to see that. We scheduled a CT Scan and a Bone Scan for October 1 to check on things and a follow up with their office in November. She told me I would have an MRI done once a year as well. She also said this would be the hardest time of my treatment. Emotionally speaking anyway. I already knew what she was talking about. She compared it to post partum depression. Post cancer depression? I have to admit that though I was so thankful, thrilled and every other positive adjective in this world that the cancer seemed to be gone, I was a little bummed. Well, maybe bummed is not the right term. I really don’t know how to explain it and the only explanation I can think of is this. I really had just started processing (really processing) the fact I had cancer and now in six months it’s gone. But I’m still in treatment and cancer is still in my life even though it’s not. Sneaky little bastard cancer. It’s like the ghost of cancer’s past. She said it would be hard because people would hear “no cancer” and expect everything to go back to normal when in fact it’s not normal. As much as I hated to hear her say this would be the hardest part, I was thankful to know my feelings were normal. I am happy to report that I got over those feelings pretty quick. I’ve said before and I will say it again, everyone deserves the right to get down in the dumps on occasion. The key is not to stay there. Think positive and be thankful for all of the wonderful things in life (and I have many!) and say goodbye to the gloomy Gus attitude! Life is too short not to enjoy it!
Anyway, the following week which was last week I met with the radiation oncologist (down stairs from Dr. H) and he was impressed with the healing so we were ready to start with radiation process. He gave me an Rx for a deodorant that doesn’t contain metal (my doesn’t either but I got his anyway). He also usually gives two Rxs for creams to help with burns but because my parents and Aunt Booboo and Uncle Johnny supplied me with Aloe Vera plants I only needed one Rx. He was so excited that I had Aloe Vera plants. The second cream I have is actually something that he developed. I apply Aloe Vera everyday once or twice a day and his cream at night every couple of days for the first three weeks and then every night after that. He said I should expect some fatigue around the end of the third week but nothing compared to chemo. Chemo didn’t knock me down too bad (except a couple of instances) so I have high hopes this should be easy peasy. So it’s time to take me to get my “markings” for the treatment. I was in the gown and walking from the exam room to the CT scan machine and this super sweet nurse was holding the back of my gown closed. As I was walking, I dropped my shirt and for some reason tried to pick it up with my foot. I ended up kicking it at this poor old man walking down the hall. Almost got him right in the face. Of course I laughed and he looked at me like you crazy bald boobless woman which made me laugh harder. But I digress…anyway they made markings on me in the form of tattoos to check my breath holds and other technical stuff I don’t feel like explaining. So my first tattoos are three tiny dots, one on my left side, and one in the middle and one on the right side all about the bottom of my rib cage. I left thinking oh, that’s not bad they made it seem like getting marked up was a big deal.
My first treatment was yesterday. Kevin and I got there and I changed into the always fashionable hospital gown. I get called back and I am super nervous for some reason. I don’t remember being that nervous for my first chemo. I think part of it was the fact that the whole staff in the radiation department is good looking. No offense to the chemo staff, you guys are good looking as well but these folks are freakishly good looking. So these freaks put me up on a table in front of a scary looking machine and start explaining everything. Doing a series of x-rays to make sure we get the spots we are supposed to, we are going to mark you up, we will be in and out of the room but this room is equipped with cameras and microphones so you aren’t ever alone (really?), take a deep breath, hold it, ok breath…on and on and on. Then they take magic markers and put big red X’s on my three tiny tattoos that I thought weren’t so bad. Then a random (I know it’s not random but whatever) purple X close to my arm pit. So now, I have a fuzzy head, no boobs and four giant (ok, maybe not giant) Xs on my body. For some reason I almost started crying. I did let one tear slip out but I am supposed to be completely still so I couldn’t wipe it. Then of course in true Crystal fashion I realized my panties were up my butt. I almost asked freakishly good looking intern guy number one to fix my panties and wipe my tear but not necessarily in that order. Picturing that in my head cracked me up but again I had to be perfectly still so I had to hold it in. Then I had to sneeze but managed to hold that in somehow. So my first radiation experience sucked. Well, not really but I thought it did. I just hate having to be still for that long while a big machine circles my chest and face and groans at me. It just feels so much colder than chemo did. Of course, the upsides of not getting sick and not having to be there that long outweighs that part of it. So I had a bad attitude yesterday but no worries, I’m totally fine. Today when I got there, I put on the lovely gown only to learn their computers were down. So I waited for an hour and then got my five minutes of treatment. It’s all very comical if you think about it. We will see what tomorrow brings. Whatever it is, I am sure I can slant it to be funny. Life should always be funny.
Love to all!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
A Load Off My Chest
As many of you have probably already heard, we received the wonderful, fantastic, fabulous news today that the pathology from my mastectomy showed “no evidence of cancer”! All together now: SUCK IT CANCER! I have been on an emotional high all day! When talking about it today, my mom said, “Well, I bet that’s a load off your chest! Literally!” When I stopped laughing, I immediately said, “Can I use that for my next blog update?”
The surgeon was just as thrilled as we are. I’m not even sure my oncologist knows yet but she should be getting the report soon and plus I see her next week. I asked the surgeon if I could declare myself cancer free but she said they usually don’t let people say that until they have been free of the cancer for 10 years. She did however reluctantly say that I could use the word remission if I wanted. I want. I so want.
After we celebrated the fab news she examined me and said I was doing great and heeling really well (thank you Pink Ribbon Cowgirls for the Arnica Montana suggestion). Then it was time to take out those nasty ass drains. The thought of her pulling them out actually made me cringe but I so wanted them gone. Well, it didn’t hurt one bit. Her touching the area hurt but not the actual pulling them out. And what relief I felt when they were gone! I am still really sore and won’t be lifting the kids anytime soon but no drains is big. I can’t even begin to explain to you how uncomfortable they are. However, I will say the Breast Cancer Resource Center gave me two things that are a must have for any mastectomy survival kit: specially made pillows that you throw over your arm like a purse to help keep a nice cushion between your arms and the sensitive area and specially made camisoles that Velcro in the front and on the shoulder with built in pockets to hold the drains. Both of those lovely items were made by volunteers who in my opinion cannot get enough thank yous. So if you know anyone (hope not) who is about to go through a mastectomy, send them my way for some tricks of the trade. For instance, mom/dad/Kevin bought me a fanny pack for the shower. Strapped that baby around my waist, put the drain bulbs in it and zipped it up. Are you picturing the hotness that I have been this week in the shower? Bald, no boobs and a fanny pack holding the drains. Oh yea, I’m that sexy!
Which brings me to something I am sure many of you are wondering about: just exactly how am I dealing with the whole no boob thing. Well, I am doing really well with that. It actually doesn’t bother me at all. I was more worried about offending other folks like my mom and Kevin as they help me dress and such (I would say my sister but before I was even out of the hospital she said, I wanna see!) but I got over that real quick. I’m not saying I will be flashing anyone come Mardi Gras because it is quite hideous looking but whatever. I’m alive and able to kiss on my babies and that is what matters. Plus it is only temporary and then I get new perky ones. And until the new ones are here, I don’t have to wear a bra.
So the plan stays the same, radiation and reconstruction are next but after today’s good news, I know it’s not all for nothing. Thanks a million times for all of the prayers which have obviously been answered!
Love to all!
The surgeon was just as thrilled as we are. I’m not even sure my oncologist knows yet but she should be getting the report soon and plus I see her next week. I asked the surgeon if I could declare myself cancer free but she said they usually don’t let people say that until they have been free of the cancer for 10 years. She did however reluctantly say that I could use the word remission if I wanted. I want. I so want.
After we celebrated the fab news she examined me and said I was doing great and heeling really well (thank you Pink Ribbon Cowgirls for the Arnica Montana suggestion). Then it was time to take out those nasty ass drains. The thought of her pulling them out actually made me cringe but I so wanted them gone. Well, it didn’t hurt one bit. Her touching the area hurt but not the actual pulling them out. And what relief I felt when they were gone! I am still really sore and won’t be lifting the kids anytime soon but no drains is big. I can’t even begin to explain to you how uncomfortable they are. However, I will say the Breast Cancer Resource Center gave me two things that are a must have for any mastectomy survival kit: specially made pillows that you throw over your arm like a purse to help keep a nice cushion between your arms and the sensitive area and specially made camisoles that Velcro in the front and on the shoulder with built in pockets to hold the drains. Both of those lovely items were made by volunteers who in my opinion cannot get enough thank yous. So if you know anyone (hope not) who is about to go through a mastectomy, send them my way for some tricks of the trade. For instance, mom/dad/Kevin bought me a fanny pack for the shower. Strapped that baby around my waist, put the drain bulbs in it and zipped it up. Are you picturing the hotness that I have been this week in the shower? Bald, no boobs and a fanny pack holding the drains. Oh yea, I’m that sexy!
Which brings me to something I am sure many of you are wondering about: just exactly how am I dealing with the whole no boob thing. Well, I am doing really well with that. It actually doesn’t bother me at all. I was more worried about offending other folks like my mom and Kevin as they help me dress and such (I would say my sister but before I was even out of the hospital she said, I wanna see!) but I got over that real quick. I’m not saying I will be flashing anyone come Mardi Gras because it is quite hideous looking but whatever. I’m alive and able to kiss on my babies and that is what matters. Plus it is only temporary and then I get new perky ones. And until the new ones are here, I don’t have to wear a bra.
So the plan stays the same, radiation and reconstruction are next but after today’s good news, I know it’s not all for nothing. Thanks a million times for all of the prayers which have obviously been answered!
Love to all!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Phase Two - Check
I wanted an update to the blog much sooner than this but I haven’t been feeling that creative lately. I was afraid maybe my creativeness was in my boobs and that I lost it along with my boobs but today, I think I’m getting my mood to write again so maybe that is a bad theory.
I can’t believe the demolition is over! Everything went very well. Below is a short play by play as I remember it but keep in mind there were drugs involved.
We got to the hospital a little before 9 and not too long after that they called me back and started prepping me for surgery. Kevin, my parents, my sister and Kevin’s parents were all there for support. I was back in the pre-op room for about two and a half hours before surgery. They would only allow two people at a time in my room so my posse kept switching out members so they could all have equal time. There were a lot of nervous jokes made and we all tried to keep my sister away from things. She had already made a scene during her entrance into the hospital. She got lost trying to find us (to her credit, I listened to my dad give directions and I don’t think they were very good) and ended up using a nurse to radio in my whereabouts and escort her to the waiting room. I changed into my gown and lovely surgery hat, stretched out on the bed, put my hands behind my head and crossed my outstretched legs and said, “And now we wait.” I was totally serious but apparently that was a very dorky thing to do because Kevin busted out laughing and then proceeded to tell everyone the story as if I had been joking when I did it. Everything was explained very well to us and they told Kevin that they would call him about an hour and a half into the surgery to let him know how things were going but gave him a number to call if he didn’t hear from them. I decided to make sure my parents knew about that number so they would bug him about it until he called (probably five minutes into surgery). Teach him to make fun of me. About fifteen minutes before I was scheduled in the operating room, things started moving very fast: some guy came in to tell me once again how things would go and that the anesthesiologist and surgeon would be in shortly to talk to me. The anesthesiologist came in and told me how things would go. “Would you like something to calm your nerves?” Why yes I would please and make it a double. The surgeon came in and told me how things would go. The lovely lady with the calm me down meds came in and injected me and said she would be back with more right before they wheeled me out. When she walked out of the room I heard my dad ask her if he could have some too. She responded with a very sympathetic, “I wish I could.” It was down to about five minutes before go time and Kevin and Doodle were with me. My dad walked in and Doodle got up to leave but he told her to stay. They were going to break the two person limit rule. Doodle said she would go let my mom come in and my dad said, “No, I tried. She’s not breaking the rules.” Anyone who knows my mom is probably at least smiling right now (I still laugh out loud) because that is so my mom! Not going to break any rules. I remember they came in to wheel me out and that is all I remember until I woke up. They gave me some more calm me down meds and apparently as they wheeled my bed past the waiting room and my family I waved as if I was a beauty contestant in a parade. I don’t remember doing that. Next thing I know I wake up in recovery. Not in too much pain but take the meds they offer anyway. It is a big room with me and one other dude in it. I didn’t have my contacts on and had given Kevin my glasses before surgery so I couldn’t see crap but I heard his voice so I knew it was a dude. I wondered if he could tell what I was in for but then the nurse was on the phone checking on my room and yelled out, “Crystal Saffel, bi-lateral mastectomy. BI-LATERAL MASTECOMY. OK:” Then she turns to me and said, “Sorry I was so loud they couldn’t hear me but good news is your room is ready.” So they wheeled me to my room (I don’t remember the ride over) and my group of supporters were waiting for me already. They had bought me lovely gifts from the gift shop (I heard the waiting area was across from the gift shop and told Kevin it would be a great idea to by me gifts while they waited). The surgeon had told Kevin the surgery went well. It was already time for my parents to head back over to get the kids so they left along with Kevin’s parents. I was super tired and was awoken by nurses coming in to check on me periodically but for the most part got good rest. The rest of the stay went as expected: in and out of sleep, TV watching, nurses, etc. And then armed with pillows and pain killers, I was released around 4 the next day.
I am still pretty sore but mostly tired. VERY tired. I actually can’t believe how darn tired I am. This is actually more taxing than having Kaia and Caleb. My mom has been a wonderful help and I have been able to rest like never before but alas I am still tired! Thursday, I go back to the doctor and will hopefully have these stupid drains out. I will be able to move around more freely then and maybe that will help.
I want to thank everyone once again for the well wishes, texts, prayers, cards, flowers, fruit, food, and support. I just adore my support team. I’ll let you know how Thursday goes and I'll blog more about recovery and such but for now I shall rest.
Oh, and for those wondering about the poundage of the boobage, be prepared for disappointment. I lost two pounds. Major disappointment.
Love to all.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
My Biggest Issue with Breast Cancer
Weight gain! Well, ok, maybe weight gain isn’t my BIGGEST issue with breast cancer but it is up there. 10lbs people. 10 lbs is what I have gained. So that brings me to the question of the day: how much weight will I lose when I lose my girls on Thursday? Haven’t you ever wondered how much your boobs weigh? Come on, I can’t be the only one who has wondered that. So Thursday morning, I will weigh myself and then weigh myself again when I get home Friday. That should sort of tell me how much they weigh. The problem with that is my weight gain hasn’t been in my boobs so I’ll still have some work to do when I can start working out again. I can’t wait for that because I need to be ready to do the Austin Race for the Cure on November 7 (and I need to get rid of this belly so I don’t look 5 months pregnant anymore).
Speaking of the Race for the Cure (such a good segway, don’t you think?), how would you like to join our team, Boobalicious? Don’t want to join, you can donate some dinero. Originally, I set a goal for our team of $500. However, within two hours of posting it on Facebook, we met our goal thanks to two very generous donations. But that doesn’t mean we can’t raise more money! By the way, I am actually going to change the goal to $1000 (oh yes I can do that) but I’m having trouble logging into their site right now. I’ve posted the link below so if you are interested in joining or donating please do! Any amount of a donation is much appreciated!
I know I don’t have to ask but when you wake up Thursday morning, say a little prayer or send good thoughts, whatever it is that you do, for us. Us being my family and the medical team responsible for my surgery Thursday.
Love to all!
http://austin.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/AUS_AustinAffiliate?pg=team&fr_id=1985&team_id=140563
Speaking of the Race for the Cure (such a good segway, don’t you think?), how would you like to join our team, Boobalicious? Don’t want to join, you can donate some dinero. Originally, I set a goal for our team of $500. However, within two hours of posting it on Facebook, we met our goal thanks to two very generous donations. But that doesn’t mean we can’t raise more money! By the way, I am actually going to change the goal to $1000 (oh yes I can do that) but I’m having trouble logging into their site right now. I’ve posted the link below so if you are interested in joining or donating please do! Any amount of a donation is much appreciated!
I know I don’t have to ask but when you wake up Thursday morning, say a little prayer or send good thoughts, whatever it is that you do, for us. Us being my family and the medical team responsible for my surgery Thursday.
Love to all!
http://austin.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/AUS_AustinAffiliate?pg=team&fr_id=1985&team_id=140563
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Guess What I'm Not Doing Today?
That’s right, I am NOT sitting in the infusion room today being healed with poisons! YAY me! It feels very strange. I keep thinking, “I am supposed to be somewhere today, what did I forget…”. Then I remember that I would normally be stuck in a chair for about three hours. My fist free Wednesday in 12 weeks.
Well, a week from now I will be going through my list and running around getting last minute things ready for my surgery. Yesterday, I spent the day with my nephew and when I got a work related email and he asked me if surgery was my work. I guess he’s heard people talk so much about my surgery that he thought that’s what I did for a job. It’s funny and sad all at the same time. Just like the book I bought for the kids, “Sammy’s Mommy Has Cancer” makes me happy and sad at the same time. I love that there are resources out there like that book and it has certainly helped Kaia understand some things (by the way, she says it like a 90 year old woman would, “Sammy’s mommy has THE cancer”) but at the same time I am sadden that the word cancer even has to be in their vocabulary. Six year old nephews and 2 year old daughters shouldn’t know those words. Nobody should know those words.
So off I go to spend my first chemo free Wednesday. I thought maybe I would celebrate with a pedicure but then realized that would mean being stuck in a chair again! I’ll save the pedi for another day…
Love to all.
Well, a week from now I will be going through my list and running around getting last minute things ready for my surgery. Yesterday, I spent the day with my nephew and when I got a work related email and he asked me if surgery was my work. I guess he’s heard people talk so much about my surgery that he thought that’s what I did for a job. It’s funny and sad all at the same time. Just like the book I bought for the kids, “Sammy’s Mommy Has Cancer” makes me happy and sad at the same time. I love that there are resources out there like that book and it has certainly helped Kaia understand some things (by the way, she says it like a 90 year old woman would, “Sammy’s mommy has THE cancer”) but at the same time I am sadden that the word cancer even has to be in their vocabulary. Six year old nephews and 2 year old daughters shouldn’t know those words. Nobody should know those words.
So off I go to spend my first chemo free Wednesday. I thought maybe I would celebrate with a pedicure but then realized that would mean being stuck in a chair again! I’ll save the pedi for another day…
Love to all.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Ring My Be-e-ell, Ring My Bell (Now everyone can have that song in their head)
Whoohooo! What a fabulous day!! My last chemo treatment! The end of Phase I is complete! It was an unbelievable experience. I knew of course, Kevin and my sister were going to be there to share in this great milestone, but as I awoke from a Benadryl stupor I saw a cowboy hat out of the corner of my eye. Dad? Is that my Dad? Holy crap, it is! And that cute little woman? My mom! And that giant purse? That’s Martha’s giant purse! My aunt Martha! (HaHa, sorry Martha, couldn’t resist, I wanted in on the teasing.) I can’t even explain the shock and complete happiness I felt when I saw them! (And the shock when I learned my sister had known for over a week and hadn’t told me.) That just made this day so much better! Watching the drip of my final Taxol was like watching a pot waiting for it to boil. D….R….I…P. Slow! We were all so anxious for it to be over and we just kept looking up at the bag of necessary evil. Finally the last drop dripped into the IV and I was done. I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry. So I just laughed no need in making everyone else cry which I know would have happened!!! I was unhooked, everyone grabbed a handful of confetti to throw at me and my mom was handed my diploma. (I will say, I have a Master’s Degree and this was by far harder to earn!) Confetti was thrown and the nurse said “Don’t forget to ring that bell.” Everyone laughed as if to say “Oh, don’t you worry your pretty little head nursey nurse, that’s not going to happen.” We gathered up our stuff and my group of paparazzi cheerleaders followed me to the bell, cameras in hand ready to catch the moment. Kevin had the video camera and said, “go”. I reached up to ring that bell I had spoken so much about, ready to hear that well deserved ding, ding, ding and the eruption of applause in the infusion room…and guess what happened? Somehow, some way, I managed to miss the gosh darn bell. Had the ringer in hand but missed the bell. Yep. But it wouldn’t be me if that didn’t happen. I got it the second time though! And that felt great!
We took our party to the parking garage where we continued to laugh and hug and take pictures. I decided it would be a great idea to do a cartwheel! Keep in mind, I have never been able to do a cartwheel even as a kid. And, as everyone learned today, I still can’t. But it was fun anyway. After I embarrassed everyone with my failed attempt at a cartwheel, we journeyed on to lunch at one of my favorite places, Jorge’s. My bro-in-law Jim and nephew Nolan met us there. When Nolan got out of the truck he had a big smile on his face and was holding his hands behind his back. As he walked up to me, he took his hands out behind his back and handed me a dozen pink roses and said, “Happy last chemo, Aunt Turtle!” Oh, melt my heart why don’t you. How I made it through that without crying the world may never know. That owl guy can add that to his how many licks and tootsie roll pop file. We made our way inside and sat down to a great joyous lunch. Back out in the parking lot, I was also given a box of brownie bites (which I have eaten already thank you very much mean steroids) that Jim and Nolan had gotten me to go with the roses. Hugs, kisses, and “thank yous” just didn’t seem enough to tell everyone how much I appreciate all of their support today and always. But, I did do a cartwheel for them earlier. Everyone piled into their vehicles and headed home in different directions and while I was very sad to see everyone go, my heart was filled with love and joy of the knowledge that I have some incredibly loving, wonderful people in my life and because of their support and love, I will make it through this with flying colors. Add the morphine from surgery, maybe even flying colors and unicorns if I’m lucky!) I am one special gal…special in the love I am surrounded by.
Once again I want to thank everyone for their love, support and prayers. I can’t express it enough. Love to all.
By the way, this is what is written on the plaque below the bell and on the diploma I received:
YOUR TODAYS AND TOMORROWS
For all the time that has passed since you first came to us,
For all the fears and doubts you have experience along the way,
For all the days you felt so badly and had to sacrifice things you wanted or needed to do.
Looking back and looking ahead,
TODAY is the day that you have been working toward.
From all of us to you,
May all your TOMORROWS be what is in your heart and dreams.
We celebrate today with you.
CONGRATULATIONS!
The staff at Texas Oncology Cancer Center
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Monday, August 2, 2010
Phase II...The Demolition
I met with the surgeon today to discuss what I call Phase Two of my treatment, the demolition of my boobies. The bilateral mastectomy. She is the same one who performed the biopsy, placed my port and tested and removed my lymph nodes so I already know her. In fact, she is the one who called to tell me I had cancer. Despite that, I think she is wonderful. She explained the process and recovery to Kevin and I so now we have a better understanding of what to expect. And of course I took my little pad and pen in with all of my questions. Surgery will be scheduled sometime after my last chemo treatment on August 11. As long as my WBC is good we can schedule it as soon after chemo as I want if my oncologists agrees. My WBC has been in the threes since I started Taxol and ended the AC treatments which the surgeon said would be fine but last week it was 1.4 which would not be ok due to risk of infection. Hopefully they will go back up and stay there. I would like to move on to Phase Two as quickly as possible. The quicker I can get that done the quicker I can start radiation, Phase Three.
She is doing what is called a skin sparing mastectomy. She will go in and remove all of the tissue from my breasts but will leave the skin. This won’t look pretty but in the long run it will be better for Phase Four Reconstruction…Operation New Boobies. I choose the same hospital that I delivered Kaia and Caleb in because I know they have a Frullati Cafe in their cafeteria and I love their smoothies! That’s a good reason to choose a hospital right? She said to expect an overnight stay in the hospital. The pain will be so bad that I wouldn’t be able to control it at home so they will keep me to give me morphine. All right, all right, all right. Smoothies and morphine. Then they will send me home with some pain pills and of course those lovely drains. If you recall I had a drain when my lymph nodes were removed. For this surgery I will probably have at least two. I hate the drains. They will stay in from a week to three weeks. Restrictions are no driving or heavy lifting for a week. She said to rest but still go out and do things like shop and have dinner. I swear to you she said shop. My sister thought I made that part up but Kevin was there to hear it all! I have a witness. Then by week two I can start doing more. I just have to be careful if I still have the drains especially with the kids and I still have to take it somewhat easy. Once I recover from surgery I can start radiation, Phase Three. My wonderful mom is coming up to help us out during my surgery and recovery which will be a huge help. All though I’m not looking forward to having no boobies, I am ready to get on with the next phase. I don’t meet with my oncologists this week so I will have to wait until the 11th to talk to her about her thoughts on scheduling. She told me when I first started that I shouldn’t have to wait long after chemo to have the surgery. Come one counts, don’t fail me now.
Love to all.
She is doing what is called a skin sparing mastectomy. She will go in and remove all of the tissue from my breasts but will leave the skin. This won’t look pretty but in the long run it will be better for Phase Four Reconstruction…Operation New Boobies. I choose the same hospital that I delivered Kaia and Caleb in because I know they have a Frullati Cafe in their cafeteria and I love their smoothies! That’s a good reason to choose a hospital right? She said to expect an overnight stay in the hospital. The pain will be so bad that I wouldn’t be able to control it at home so they will keep me to give me morphine. All right, all right, all right. Smoothies and morphine. Then they will send me home with some pain pills and of course those lovely drains. If you recall I had a drain when my lymph nodes were removed. For this surgery I will probably have at least two. I hate the drains. They will stay in from a week to three weeks. Restrictions are no driving or heavy lifting for a week. She said to rest but still go out and do things like shop and have dinner. I swear to you she said shop. My sister thought I made that part up but Kevin was there to hear it all! I have a witness. Then by week two I can start doing more. I just have to be careful if I still have the drains especially with the kids and I still have to take it somewhat easy. Once I recover from surgery I can start radiation, Phase Three. My wonderful mom is coming up to help us out during my surgery and recovery which will be a huge help. All though I’m not looking forward to having no boobies, I am ready to get on with the next phase. I don’t meet with my oncologists this week so I will have to wait until the 11th to talk to her about her thoughts on scheduling. She told me when I first started that I shouldn’t have to wait long after chemo to have the surgery. Come one counts, don’t fail me now.
Love to all.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
I Get Knocked Down…But I Get Up Again…Your Never Gonna Keep Me Down
Remember that song by Chumbawamba? Here's the link to the video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2H5uWRjFsGc Great song! But I don’t think they meant for people to sing it to cancer but I do. Oh how I got knocked down. But I got up again and still kicking this cancer’s ass. It’s been a while since my last post and I have a lot to say so I broke it down into sections.
Sick…Sick…Better…ER Visit…Better…Sick…Better – Stupid Round 9
What a rollercoaster ride the past few days have been. Friday morning I woke up and felt fine. My sister and I had planned all week to take Kaia and Nolan to the lake to swim and picnic. Around 9 I started feeling a little achy. No big deal though. I just thought it was the normal aches and pains of chemo. Usually, I can just carry on about my daily activities and it works itself out. Oh foolish Crystal. We had a great time at the lake and it was actually very restful and relaxing because really all we did was float in the water so I didn’t do much. But when it got time to leave I started feeling worse. I was freezing cold and drank several bottles of water already. I just couldn’t get enough water. As we drove back home I went downhill quick. The aches were horrible and I had big time chills. As soon as I dropped off Doodle and Nolan I called Kevin. He was home shortly after we got home and I showered and went straight to bed. My temperature was at 100 degrees, not enough to warrant a call to the doctor. Saturday I woke up still feeling miserable but no fever. I took Tylenol throughout the day for the hideous pain I was in. Sunday I woke up and felt tired but good. No aches, no fever. Great! I’m better. Not so fast, there was more sickness to be had. I didn’t take any Tylenol and by mid morning my aches and pains were back along with an excruciating headache. I didn’t want to take Tylenol though because I didn’t want it to mask any fever that may come back. Fever is your body’s way of fighting infections and my doctor needs to know if I develop a fever. So I toughed out the pain. And by toughed out I mean I laid on the couch and moaned and groaned and complained about how bad I felt. Sure enough the fever came back. It still wasn’t high enough to call the doctor but since I had chills and it had been around since Friday, I called anyway. The on call doctor called in an Rx for a strong antibiotic and told me that if I still had fever in 24 hours to call back. Then my temperature started going up. It got to 102.5 and I decided I just wanted to go to the ER. I was miserable and just didn’t feel right about waiting 24 hours. Kevin loaded up the kids and Doodle meant me at the ER. They got me right in and we didn’t have to wait long at all. By this time my temperature was 102.7. I had the same doctor and chest x-ray tech from my last visit a few months ago and they both remembered me so I was relieved to have folks there who were familiar with my situation. (And the fact that they are both good looking helped too!) During the examination there were about three nurses in there and they are going over their usual billion questions. Then they come to, “Do you have any scrapes or cuts on your body.” Yes, scrapes on my knee. A nurse looks at it and says, “Oh, bike accident.” I say yes but it’s not as exciting as it sounds because I was just standing there and fell off. I see my sister shaking her head as they laugh. “Any more?” Yes I have a cut on my right foot. “What’s that from?” I cut it with my toe nail from my left foot.” Doodle says, “You really need to come up with better stories.” Anyway, after being there for a few hours and getting blood work, pee work, fluids, chest x-ray, having to keep Doodle away from the equipment and buttons on my bed, they tell me there is no sign of major infection so it is either a virus of some sort or just the damned chemo. (I threw in the damn, the doctor really didn’t say that but it would have been cool if he did.) So alternate Motrin and Tylenol for pain and fever and rest. Back home I go. They actually gave me the option to check in but everyone knows you can’t really rest in a hospital and there are sick people there, I can’t be around sick people. Plus, there was nothing they could do for me that I couldn’t do for myself at home.
Monday came and I still felt like crap. The meds were taking the edge off the pain but it was still there. No fever though. I laid around all day and then started feeling better. All right. Good deal. Which was great I was able to get off the couch because Caleb decided to walk for the first time that night! I would have done some serious cussing had I missed his first steps. Went to bed feeling good. Then Tuesday slapped me in the face. This I think was right there with Sunday. I was miserable once again. Crying, moaning, miserable me. Called the doctor as soon as they opened but didn’t hear from them for a few hours. My oncologist is on vacation so another doctor was taking her patient calls and of course he has his own patients and was super busy. In the meantime, I tried to sleep because I was just so exhausted but the pain (and Kevin and Doodle texting me every 20 minutes, you caring bastards) didn’t allow that. When they called back I was told to keep taking the Motrin and Tylenol. My fever was at 101 something but since I was already on an antibiotic that wasn’t a major concern. Once you start antibiotics they look for a temperature .2 degrees over what the highest was before you started them. In other words they would be concerned if mine went to 102.9 or higher. They would consider that a new infection and that would be cause for alarm but this was just that same stubborn fever. I already had my round 10 chemo scheduled the next morning so unless anything changes, they would see me then. Right on. I can go back to sleep, I really didn’t want to go anywhere. On to round 10.
Round 10
Woke up Wednesday morning feeling fab! Not 100% myself, still weak but certainly much much better. I even felt well enough to drop the kids off myself. That was something I hadn’t done this whole time. Yay me! So I meet with the physician’s assistant and we are going over all of the past few days’ events and my symptoms. Then we get on the subject of the neuropathy. I’m currently taking meds for it 2 times a day and it is controlling the tingling. I mention I still get tingling but not that often but that yesterday my feet started freezing. I thought it was part of being sick but it was still there. They are so cold they hurt. She informed me that was actually worsening symptoms of neuropathy. No bueno. So she tells me on average most people only make it through 10.8 Taxol treatments before they have to quit due to neuropathy. Don’t want permanent damage. She needs to confer with the wonderful and fun Lisa (the person I normally see when doc isn’t available) to see if I can even continue chemo. She walked out of the examination room and I totally panicked. I so don’t want it to end like this. WTF? Kevin and Doodle are supposed to be there, the nurses are supposed to throw confetti at me and I am supposed to ring that bell! I’m texting Kevin like the crazy woman I am totally freaking out. You would think I would be happy to end it and I will be but this was just a shock. Kevin sent me a text that said, “Go ring that freaking bell anyway!” That made me laugh. Mainly because I had visions of the them chasing me as I ran toward the bell and them tackling me and escorting me out. They would never do that. In fact, they did tell me they would have let me ring the bell anyway but I have a very active imagination. The PA came back in and said what we will do is up the meds to 3 times a day and see if that helps so you can still have chemo today. YAY! “But we are still waiting on your blood work. Go ahead and go to the infusion room and they will get your results over there.” Off to the infusion room.
I sign in, wait a few minutes and get called back, fill up my water bottle, pick out a chair by the window and start to settle in. As I’m pulling my lap top out of my back pack Derrick (one of the nurses) yells at me from across the room, “Don’t get to comfortable woman, your white count is low, I have to check with the doctor.” Well balls. So a few minutes later he comes over and says the doctor ok it. A count of 1.5 is required and mine was at 1.4 (I have been in the 3s since I started Taxol) but since I was already on antibiotics they were comfortable with continuing. Just wash my hands often and stay away from sick folks. Done and done. Let’s get this party started, bring on the Benadryl. Another nurse comes over and starts to hook me up. Her name escapes me now but she is freaking hilarious. Always announces to everyone that I have been pole dancing when she has to come untangle the tubes from the pole that holds the bags of meds after I have been pushing it around to get more water or stretch my legs. She gets me hooked up and nothing. No drip. The tubes are broken. I say, “I think the universe is trying to tell me not to do chemo today. This is the third obstacle.” She shakes her head and says, “No Crystal, this is the universe telling me this tube is a piece of shit and needs to me changed. “ See, love her! Tubes changed, meds started, play on computer until I can’t see straight and then sleep.
Today is Thursday, almost one week since the sickness began and I feel great. Still a little tired but I’m taking it easy. I have two more treatments left so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that taking the meds three times a day will keep the neuropathy at bay.
Upcoming Surgery
Since chemo is almost done it is time to schedule the bilateral mastectomy. I meet with my breast surgeon on Monday to discuss specifics and should know more then. She does the demolition part and then another doctor will do the reconstruction part 6 months to a year after I am done with radiation. I’m starting to shop now for clothes and pjs that I can wear after surgery. I won’t be able to lift my arms for a while after so I need stuff that I can either slip up over my fat ass or that buttons up. I’m also planning a trip soon to Petticoat Fair here in Austin for post surgical bras and prosthesis. I’ve talked to some folks who have gone through it and have done some online research but if any of you have been through it or know someone who has I welcome advice. Especially about products or clothes that are “can’t live without” or “don’t waste your money”. I will update you guys after my appointment on Monday.
On another note, my hair is growing back. I look like a fuzzy duck. But my eye lashes are almost gone and mostly white. Very odd. And I have tiny white hairs all over my face. Seriously? Why? I still haven't shaved my arm pits. It's like baby hair so I'm going to leave it and see how long I can get it. :)
Lots of hugs and a very special thank you to my fabulouso sister/best friend and my fabulouso husband/best friend for all of their help and care during this round of yuck.
Love to all!
Sick…Sick…Better…ER Visit…Better…Sick…Better – Stupid Round 9
What a rollercoaster ride the past few days have been. Friday morning I woke up and felt fine. My sister and I had planned all week to take Kaia and Nolan to the lake to swim and picnic. Around 9 I started feeling a little achy. No big deal though. I just thought it was the normal aches and pains of chemo. Usually, I can just carry on about my daily activities and it works itself out. Oh foolish Crystal. We had a great time at the lake and it was actually very restful and relaxing because really all we did was float in the water so I didn’t do much. But when it got time to leave I started feeling worse. I was freezing cold and drank several bottles of water already. I just couldn’t get enough water. As we drove back home I went downhill quick. The aches were horrible and I had big time chills. As soon as I dropped off Doodle and Nolan I called Kevin. He was home shortly after we got home and I showered and went straight to bed. My temperature was at 100 degrees, not enough to warrant a call to the doctor. Saturday I woke up still feeling miserable but no fever. I took Tylenol throughout the day for the hideous pain I was in. Sunday I woke up and felt tired but good. No aches, no fever. Great! I’m better. Not so fast, there was more sickness to be had. I didn’t take any Tylenol and by mid morning my aches and pains were back along with an excruciating headache. I didn’t want to take Tylenol though because I didn’t want it to mask any fever that may come back. Fever is your body’s way of fighting infections and my doctor needs to know if I develop a fever. So I toughed out the pain. And by toughed out I mean I laid on the couch and moaned and groaned and complained about how bad I felt. Sure enough the fever came back. It still wasn’t high enough to call the doctor but since I had chills and it had been around since Friday, I called anyway. The on call doctor called in an Rx for a strong antibiotic and told me that if I still had fever in 24 hours to call back. Then my temperature started going up. It got to 102.5 and I decided I just wanted to go to the ER. I was miserable and just didn’t feel right about waiting 24 hours. Kevin loaded up the kids and Doodle meant me at the ER. They got me right in and we didn’t have to wait long at all. By this time my temperature was 102.7. I had the same doctor and chest x-ray tech from my last visit a few months ago and they both remembered me so I was relieved to have folks there who were familiar with my situation. (And the fact that they are both good looking helped too!) During the examination there were about three nurses in there and they are going over their usual billion questions. Then they come to, “Do you have any scrapes or cuts on your body.” Yes, scrapes on my knee. A nurse looks at it and says, “Oh, bike accident.” I say yes but it’s not as exciting as it sounds because I was just standing there and fell off. I see my sister shaking her head as they laugh. “Any more?” Yes I have a cut on my right foot. “What’s that from?” I cut it with my toe nail from my left foot.” Doodle says, “You really need to come up with better stories.” Anyway, after being there for a few hours and getting blood work, pee work, fluids, chest x-ray, having to keep Doodle away from the equipment and buttons on my bed, they tell me there is no sign of major infection so it is either a virus of some sort or just the damned chemo. (I threw in the damn, the doctor really didn’t say that but it would have been cool if he did.) So alternate Motrin and Tylenol for pain and fever and rest. Back home I go. They actually gave me the option to check in but everyone knows you can’t really rest in a hospital and there are sick people there, I can’t be around sick people. Plus, there was nothing they could do for me that I couldn’t do for myself at home.
Monday came and I still felt like crap. The meds were taking the edge off the pain but it was still there. No fever though. I laid around all day and then started feeling better. All right. Good deal. Which was great I was able to get off the couch because Caleb decided to walk for the first time that night! I would have done some serious cussing had I missed his first steps. Went to bed feeling good. Then Tuesday slapped me in the face. This I think was right there with Sunday. I was miserable once again. Crying, moaning, miserable me. Called the doctor as soon as they opened but didn’t hear from them for a few hours. My oncologist is on vacation so another doctor was taking her patient calls and of course he has his own patients and was super busy. In the meantime, I tried to sleep because I was just so exhausted but the pain (and Kevin and Doodle texting me every 20 minutes, you caring bastards) didn’t allow that. When they called back I was told to keep taking the Motrin and Tylenol. My fever was at 101 something but since I was already on an antibiotic that wasn’t a major concern. Once you start antibiotics they look for a temperature .2 degrees over what the highest was before you started them. In other words they would be concerned if mine went to 102.9 or higher. They would consider that a new infection and that would be cause for alarm but this was just that same stubborn fever. I already had my round 10 chemo scheduled the next morning so unless anything changes, they would see me then. Right on. I can go back to sleep, I really didn’t want to go anywhere. On to round 10.
Round 10
Woke up Wednesday morning feeling fab! Not 100% myself, still weak but certainly much much better. I even felt well enough to drop the kids off myself. That was something I hadn’t done this whole time. Yay me! So I meet with the physician’s assistant and we are going over all of the past few days’ events and my symptoms. Then we get on the subject of the neuropathy. I’m currently taking meds for it 2 times a day and it is controlling the tingling. I mention I still get tingling but not that often but that yesterday my feet started freezing. I thought it was part of being sick but it was still there. They are so cold they hurt. She informed me that was actually worsening symptoms of neuropathy. No bueno. So she tells me on average most people only make it through 10.8 Taxol treatments before they have to quit due to neuropathy. Don’t want permanent damage. She needs to confer with the wonderful and fun Lisa (the person I normally see when doc isn’t available) to see if I can even continue chemo. She walked out of the examination room and I totally panicked. I so don’t want it to end like this. WTF? Kevin and Doodle are supposed to be there, the nurses are supposed to throw confetti at me and I am supposed to ring that bell! I’m texting Kevin like the crazy woman I am totally freaking out. You would think I would be happy to end it and I will be but this was just a shock. Kevin sent me a text that said, “Go ring that freaking bell anyway!” That made me laugh. Mainly because I had visions of the them chasing me as I ran toward the bell and them tackling me and escorting me out. They would never do that. In fact, they did tell me they would have let me ring the bell anyway but I have a very active imagination. The PA came back in and said what we will do is up the meds to 3 times a day and see if that helps so you can still have chemo today. YAY! “But we are still waiting on your blood work. Go ahead and go to the infusion room and they will get your results over there.” Off to the infusion room.
I sign in, wait a few minutes and get called back, fill up my water bottle, pick out a chair by the window and start to settle in. As I’m pulling my lap top out of my back pack Derrick (one of the nurses) yells at me from across the room, “Don’t get to comfortable woman, your white count is low, I have to check with the doctor.” Well balls. So a few minutes later he comes over and says the doctor ok it. A count of 1.5 is required and mine was at 1.4 (I have been in the 3s since I started Taxol) but since I was already on antibiotics they were comfortable with continuing. Just wash my hands often and stay away from sick folks. Done and done. Let’s get this party started, bring on the Benadryl. Another nurse comes over and starts to hook me up. Her name escapes me now but she is freaking hilarious. Always announces to everyone that I have been pole dancing when she has to come untangle the tubes from the pole that holds the bags of meds after I have been pushing it around to get more water or stretch my legs. She gets me hooked up and nothing. No drip. The tubes are broken. I say, “I think the universe is trying to tell me not to do chemo today. This is the third obstacle.” She shakes her head and says, “No Crystal, this is the universe telling me this tube is a piece of shit and needs to me changed. “ See, love her! Tubes changed, meds started, play on computer until I can’t see straight and then sleep.
Today is Thursday, almost one week since the sickness began and I feel great. Still a little tired but I’m taking it easy. I have two more treatments left so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that taking the meds three times a day will keep the neuropathy at bay.
Upcoming Surgery
Since chemo is almost done it is time to schedule the bilateral mastectomy. I meet with my breast surgeon on Monday to discuss specifics and should know more then. She does the demolition part and then another doctor will do the reconstruction part 6 months to a year after I am done with radiation. I’m starting to shop now for clothes and pjs that I can wear after surgery. I won’t be able to lift my arms for a while after so I need stuff that I can either slip up over my fat ass or that buttons up. I’m also planning a trip soon to Petticoat Fair here in Austin for post surgical bras and prosthesis. I’ve talked to some folks who have gone through it and have done some online research but if any of you have been through it or know someone who has I welcome advice. Especially about products or clothes that are “can’t live without” or “don’t waste your money”. I will update you guys after my appointment on Monday.
On another note, my hair is growing back. I look like a fuzzy duck. But my eye lashes are almost gone and mostly white. Very odd. And I have tiny white hairs all over my face. Seriously? Why? I still haven't shaved my arm pits. It's like baby hair so I'm going to leave it and see how long I can get it. :)
Lots of hugs and a very special thank you to my fabulouso sister/best friend and my fabulouso husband/best friend for all of their help and care during this round of yuck.
Love to all!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
My Date with Round Eight
Whoohoo! Round 8 is done! The cloudiness and fatigue seem to increase more and more on the actual day of chemo but with a great husband and his understanding work folks I am able to come home and rest well while he takes care of the kids after school. He's been working so much lately that his time with them as been limited so I thought of this as a little gift I would give all three of them today. Hehe! :) They are doing excellent by the way. Kaia had some kind of illness this past weekend and early in the week but seems to be fine now and Caleb, well, he’s our little mischievous chunky monkey that gets into everything. What a lucky and blessed family we are!
The neuropathy still comes and goes. I was told today at my appointment to start taking two of the pills for it a day. I am going to have a practice round tomorrow after I drop the kids off at school. I normally take one at night right before bed but they may or may not knock me out so I will test them tomorrow when I am at home alone to see how that works. Stupid side effects. “May increase appetite.” Yep, that’s just what I need. I’ve already gained weight (yeah, yeah, I know better than having cancer and losing it. Whatever.) As a matter of fact, Texas Oncology just got a new computer system and is switching to a paperless system and this new system thought that it was necessary to point out that I have had a 5% weight gain since I started. I have a very great relationship with the PA and I didn’t hold back the few choice words I had for that POS computer. She of course thought that was hilarious (I was not joking). It’s not bad enough I have cancer; the computer has to taunt me with “fatty fatty two by four”? She then mentioned how unfair it is that most breast cancer patients gain weight (I looked it up when I got home and she wasn’t just saying that to make me feel better as I originally suspected.). I told her, “lost my Kaia weight, got preggers with Caleb, lost that weight and got breast cancer.” She asked how much weight I gained with my pregnancies. 50lbs with each. Yep, you heard me 50lbs. She said she can guarantee me I won’t gain 50lbs with cancer. At the rate I’m going, I just might. But I don’t think she said that as a challenge. Bastard cancer. I know it’s due to the drugs and probably has something to do with the chemo induced menopause but all of that is because of the cancer so it gets the blame. So what do we tell that cancer, Steph? SUCK IT!
So a few posts ago I briefly mentioned my beef with the phrase “lost his/her battle”. If you use this phrase please don’t feel like you need to stop or you will offend me (only big mouth computers offend me). It is simply a personal thing for me. The reason I don’t like it said that way is because I think the only way cancer ever wins is if a person lets it to break their spirit. If cancer is allowed to take over your life then yea, it wins. And I don’t mean getting sick or having sad days, I mean allowing it to break your spirit on a regular basis. We all have days when we cry, scream, cuss and get pissed off at the cards we have been dealt but then we realize “it’s how we play the hand” (Randy Pausch) and we pick our asses up and move on. And people can keep that spirit through their dying process. Many people do so on a daily basis. When my cousin’s grandmother passed away from cancer she said something like “gained her angel wings.” (Sorry if I misquoted and I am not giving this person credit because I didn’t ask if I could use her personal experience before I posted this. But trust me, she is a very wise and strong ass woman.) I like that saying and I am looking for more ways to dignify someone’s “loss of battle”. So if you have your own, please share, either in comment or a personal message to me. However you feel comfortable if you want to share at all. Below is a poem that is posted all around Texas Oncology and I am sure many cancer centers around the world. Many of you may have already seen it but it is always good to read again. I reread it every time I get off the elevator on Wednesday mornings, just as a reminder. If you have never seen it, I hope you enjoy. And I think you can substitute many of life’s bummers for the word cancer and it still works. As always, love to all.
What Cancer Cannot Do
Cancer is so limited…
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the spirit.
The neuropathy still comes and goes. I was told today at my appointment to start taking two of the pills for it a day. I am going to have a practice round tomorrow after I drop the kids off at school. I normally take one at night right before bed but they may or may not knock me out so I will test them tomorrow when I am at home alone to see how that works. Stupid side effects. “May increase appetite.” Yep, that’s just what I need. I’ve already gained weight (yeah, yeah, I know better than having cancer and losing it. Whatever.) As a matter of fact, Texas Oncology just got a new computer system and is switching to a paperless system and this new system thought that it was necessary to point out that I have had a 5% weight gain since I started. I have a very great relationship with the PA and I didn’t hold back the few choice words I had for that POS computer. She of course thought that was hilarious (I was not joking). It’s not bad enough I have cancer; the computer has to taunt me with “fatty fatty two by four”? She then mentioned how unfair it is that most breast cancer patients gain weight (I looked it up when I got home and she wasn’t just saying that to make me feel better as I originally suspected.). I told her, “lost my Kaia weight, got preggers with Caleb, lost that weight and got breast cancer.” She asked how much weight I gained with my pregnancies. 50lbs with each. Yep, you heard me 50lbs. She said she can guarantee me I won’t gain 50lbs with cancer. At the rate I’m going, I just might. But I don’t think she said that as a challenge. Bastard cancer. I know it’s due to the drugs and probably has something to do with the chemo induced menopause but all of that is because of the cancer so it gets the blame. So what do we tell that cancer, Steph? SUCK IT!
So a few posts ago I briefly mentioned my beef with the phrase “lost his/her battle”. If you use this phrase please don’t feel like you need to stop or you will offend me (only big mouth computers offend me). It is simply a personal thing for me. The reason I don’t like it said that way is because I think the only way cancer ever wins is if a person lets it to break their spirit. If cancer is allowed to take over your life then yea, it wins. And I don’t mean getting sick or having sad days, I mean allowing it to break your spirit on a regular basis. We all have days when we cry, scream, cuss and get pissed off at the cards we have been dealt but then we realize “it’s how we play the hand” (Randy Pausch) and we pick our asses up and move on. And people can keep that spirit through their dying process. Many people do so on a daily basis. When my cousin’s grandmother passed away from cancer she said something like “gained her angel wings.” (Sorry if I misquoted and I am not giving this person credit because I didn’t ask if I could use her personal experience before I posted this. But trust me, she is a very wise and strong ass woman.) I like that saying and I am looking for more ways to dignify someone’s “loss of battle”. So if you have your own, please share, either in comment or a personal message to me. However you feel comfortable if you want to share at all. Below is a poem that is posted all around Texas Oncology and I am sure many cancer centers around the world. Many of you may have already seen it but it is always good to read again. I reread it every time I get off the elevator on Wednesday mornings, just as a reminder. If you have never seen it, I hope you enjoy. And I think you can substitute many of life’s bummers for the word cancer and it still works. As always, love to all.
What Cancer Cannot Do
Cancer is so limited…
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the spirit.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Just Tingling with Excitment (Not really, its just neuropathy)
Round 7 is done! I’m still doing really well. My fingers, hands, arms, toes, feet and legs started tingling last night but it was gone this morning. It is a common side effect of the Taxol so we knew it was probably coming. I started noticing last week that I had trouble typing and turning pages in books so I figured it was on its way. It kind of feels like you feel when a part of your body falls asleep. That pins and needles feeling. At first it was a pretty cool feeling but after about 5 hours, it sucked! It wasn’t too terribly painful but I did notice my feet started to hurt after a while. I called the oncologist this morning like the good little patient that I am and they prescribed some meds for me that should help. The worry with the neuropathy (fancy word for the pins and needles) is that it could be permanent if not controlled. It could cause issues with doing regular life events like driving and walking. So we will test out these meds. If they don’t work we will either lower the dose of Taxol I get weekly or stop the treatments early. While stopping the treatments early sounds mighty fine to me, I hope the meds work. I want those little bastard cancer cells to die a miserable death and I don’t want them to get excited if we quit early. So if you see me stumbling around and fumbling when I am trying to pick things up, I promise I’m not drunk. Well, no, I don’t promise that but I do promise I will blame it on the neuropathy.
Love to all!
Love to all!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
The Chemo Made Me Do It!
Until recently, doctors didn’t really recognize the existence of what is known so lovingly to us chemo patients as “chemo brain.” Now, there have been enough studies on the subject that doctors are coming around. The American Cancer Society defines chemo brain as a mental cloudiness that is caused by changes to the brain that deal with memory, planning, putting thoughts together, monitoring thought processes and behavior and inhibition. Now most people have issues from time to time but I’m here to tell you folks, this chemo brain is no laughing matter. Well, wait, yeah it is actually. It can be downright hysterical sometimes. So here are a few things I have done that I would like to blame on Chemo:
• Left the front door wide open for who knows how long. I only noticed it was open because Kaia came up to me and said, “I don’t think you are supposed to leave that door open because I could get out.”
• One night I knew I had gotten two nighttime diapers out for the kids but couldn’t find them anywhere. The next day while doing laundry, I found them in the dryer.
• Now, my sister can probably tell you more about this but I have a horrible time telling stories and forming my thoughts into actual sentences when talking. Many times when talking to her, I’ll try multiple times to tell a story and finally in the middle just say, “Forget it, I’m done with that story.”
• I found myself standing at the front door trying to lock it with my car alarm. Had the alarm pointed to the lock and was pushing the lock button over and over again. Finally, the repeated honking of my car brought me out of my fog and I realized what I was doing.
• Here’s one that everyone can relate to because I am sure it has happened to you. It happened to me before chemo but now it happens about 100 times more often. I get to a room and can’t remember why I went in there. I start to do something and then in the middle forget what it was I was doing.
• The latest thing I have done is put my book in the fridge. I looked all over the house for it and then about an hour later I went to the fridge to get some OJ and there it was nice and chilled.
So as funnier things happen I will let you know but for now if I do something stupid around you, you know it’s the chemo. :)
Love to all.
• Left the front door wide open for who knows how long. I only noticed it was open because Kaia came up to me and said, “I don’t think you are supposed to leave that door open because I could get out.”
• One night I knew I had gotten two nighttime diapers out for the kids but couldn’t find them anywhere. The next day while doing laundry, I found them in the dryer.
• Now, my sister can probably tell you more about this but I have a horrible time telling stories and forming my thoughts into actual sentences when talking. Many times when talking to her, I’ll try multiple times to tell a story and finally in the middle just say, “Forget it, I’m done with that story.”
• I found myself standing at the front door trying to lock it with my car alarm. Had the alarm pointed to the lock and was pushing the lock button over and over again. Finally, the repeated honking of my car brought me out of my fog and I realized what I was doing.
• Here’s one that everyone can relate to because I am sure it has happened to you. It happened to me before chemo but now it happens about 100 times more often. I get to a room and can’t remember why I went in there. I start to do something and then in the middle forget what it was I was doing.
• The latest thing I have done is put my book in the fridge. I looked all over the house for it and then about an hour later I went to the fridge to get some OJ and there it was nice and chilled.
So as funnier things happen I will let you know but for now if I do something stupid around you, you know it’s the chemo. :)
Love to all.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Are you a Tigger or Eeyore?
Round four done – only eight more to go! I have been doing really well with the Taxol. I have pretty constant body and muscle aches but nothing that prohibits me from going on about my day. I get pretty tired by about 6 or so every night. That actually works out well because we put the kids to bed at 7 so by the time I am wiped out they are going to bed. The nurse that gave me my third treatment said that the doses of Taxol I am getting shouldn’t cause hair loss so my hair should start growing back soon. However, that was a bunch of crap. My eye lashes have started to say fall out. When I met with Lisa (she is who I meet with when oncologist isn’t available) she actually noticed my eye lashes. She is the first person who has noticed. Well, the first person who has said anything anyway. Who knows how many people have actually noticed! Anyway, I told her what the nurse said and she disagreed. She said it would take weeks after the Taxol for my hair to grow back and while it is unusual that you lose your eyelashes or eye brows on Taxol when you didn’t on AC it does happen. I reminded her that not much about my cancer falls in the “usual category” and she said, “Well, let’s not be surprised about your eye lashes then!” By the way, she tells everyone the story about Kaia asking if I was mommy or daddy when I shaved my head. Kaia stories are everywhere! So I’m not really bummed about my hair. I would like to enjoy the short getting ready time and the hassle free head cover for a while longer anyway.
I just finished reading Randy Pausch’s book The Last Lecture. I actually picked it up before my diagnosis believe it or not but I was just able to finish it. It is a fabulous book and I highly recommend it. He was diagnosised with a terminal cancer (he died in 2008, I don’t say “lost his battle because I hate that phrase which I will probably blog about some day) and the book is a great inspiration to all. Many of you may remember the video that was circulated around the web a couple of years back of his last lecture. Here is the link to the site, you can watch the video if you are interested by clicking the link on the bottom left of the screen: http://www.thelastlecture.com/. Anyway, as I said it is a great book and I wanted to share something in it with you all. He talks about how people need to decide if they are a “fun-loving TIgger or a sad sack Eeyore.” Now I love Eeyore as much as the next person and I have enjoyed celebrating his birthday at an Austin festival on a couple of occasions but I don’t want to live my life like him. Why waste your life being a sad sack and complaining about everything and acting as if the world has it out for you, blaming everyone else for your “problems”. “Problems” in quotes because I think sad sack Eeyores make their “problems” 100% worse by having a feel sorry for me mentality and rarely do anything to change their situation. However, fun loving Tiggers bounce back from whatever life throws at them and they are always looking for fun in things and stay positive. That’s the way to be. I can’t imainge why anyone would want to be am Eeyore. And I also think it is important to surround yourself with other Tiggers. Eeyores just bring down those around them. (All the Eeyores out there are now blaming me for them not having any friends because I suggested you stay away from them.) I’m not saying we always have to be Tiggers, we can occasionally slip into Eeyore mode, just don’t stay there long. A great quote from Pausch’s book: “We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.”
I met a mother and son today at chemo. He is 22 and was recently diagnosed with testicular cancer. 22! He’s already had surgery to remove one testicle and now has started chemo. He is a ball of fun and energy. His mom is the same way. And guess what? His mom is battling ovarian cancer for the second time now. She too is in chemo. They go opposite weeks so she can be sure to take care of him. Mother and son both battling cancer. I was impressed by them and am lucky to have met two wonderful Tiggers. If they can be Tiggers, we all can.
Love to all!
I just finished reading Randy Pausch’s book The Last Lecture. I actually picked it up before my diagnosis believe it or not but I was just able to finish it. It is a fabulous book and I highly recommend it. He was diagnosised with a terminal cancer (he died in 2008, I don’t say “lost his battle because I hate that phrase which I will probably blog about some day) and the book is a great inspiration to all. Many of you may remember the video that was circulated around the web a couple of years back of his last lecture. Here is the link to the site, you can watch the video if you are interested by clicking the link on the bottom left of the screen: http://www.thelastlecture.com/. Anyway, as I said it is a great book and I wanted to share something in it with you all. He talks about how people need to decide if they are a “fun-loving TIgger or a sad sack Eeyore.” Now I love Eeyore as much as the next person and I have enjoyed celebrating his birthday at an Austin festival on a couple of occasions but I don’t want to live my life like him. Why waste your life being a sad sack and complaining about everything and acting as if the world has it out for you, blaming everyone else for your “problems”. “Problems” in quotes because I think sad sack Eeyores make their “problems” 100% worse by having a feel sorry for me mentality and rarely do anything to change their situation. However, fun loving Tiggers bounce back from whatever life throws at them and they are always looking for fun in things and stay positive. That’s the way to be. I can’t imainge why anyone would want to be am Eeyore. And I also think it is important to surround yourself with other Tiggers. Eeyores just bring down those around them. (All the Eeyores out there are now blaming me for them not having any friends because I suggested you stay away from them.) I’m not saying we always have to be Tiggers, we can occasionally slip into Eeyore mode, just don’t stay there long. A great quote from Pausch’s book: “We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.”
I met a mother and son today at chemo. He is 22 and was recently diagnosed with testicular cancer. 22! He’s already had surgery to remove one testicle and now has started chemo. He is a ball of fun and energy. His mom is the same way. And guess what? His mom is battling ovarian cancer for the second time now. She too is in chemo. They go opposite weeks so she can be sure to take care of him. Mother and son both battling cancer. I was impressed by them and am lucky to have met two wonderful Tiggers. If they can be Tiggers, we all can.
Love to all!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Every Rose Has Its Thorn
My second Taxol is complete! I didn’t have any problems with the first round besides minor fatigue so fingers are crossed it stays that way. My treatment day is usually Wednesday but because of the holiday I went in on Thursday this week. Boy, am I glad I did! I found out that the first Thursday of every month is donut day! So from now on I may have a scheduling issue with the first week of every month and demand a Thursday treatment day.
Besides the donuts, there is another reason I am super glad I was there today instead of yesterday. As I am sitting in my chair I caught a glimpse of a man with long blonde hair and a blue bandanna strutting in the room like he owned the place. Holy crap that’s Bret Michaels! I almost peed my pants. But it wasn’t. It was even better. It was a middle aged man who was having some fun with his hair loss situation and I was lucky enough that he sat in my row. He had the outfit complete with ripped jeans and pointy cowboy boots. (The attached picture is of Bret Michaels, not the dude from chemo today. I just want everyone to know what he looks like. I’m kicking myself for not taking picture of the dude from today.) It was one of the best things I’ve seen. And for five minutes, our whole row of chemo patients rolled with laughter. And for those five minutes, he gave us the gift of forgetting we were all sitting in there fighting for our lives while poison is being pumped into our bodies to kill the poison that isn’t supposed to be there. And that was a great gift.
That got me thinking about Every Rose Has Its Thorn. (For those who don’t know, Bret Michaels was in one of my favorite bands from the 80s called Poison and they had a song called Every Rose Has Its Thorn. Just so you know where the logic is coming from. I’m not completely nuts. All though the song is about a girl and a breakup and that is not where I am going with this. But work with me people.) Call me cheesy but I thought, “Huh, life is like a rose.” (Insert Forest Gump mockery here.) See life is a beautiful and fragile thing, like a rose. Sure it has it’s thorns but the important part is not to let those thorns interfere with admiring the beauty of the rose itself. If you do get pricked by a thorn, cuss a little then go back to admiring the beauty. And let’s not forget that the thorns are there for a reason. To protect the rose (like from your dumb ass that got pricked by it). In life, whatever thorns we are forced to overcome serve to protect us. They protect us from forgetting how fragile life can be and they serve as a reminder to enjoy the beauty that is our life. And they give us strength and courage. Thank you to the man today who turned one of his “thorns” into entertainment and laughter.
Love to all.
That got me thinking about Every Rose Has Its Thorn. (For those who don’t know, Bret Michaels was in one of my favorite bands from the 80s called Poison and they had a song called Every Rose Has Its Thorn. Just so you know where the logic is coming from. I’m not completely nuts. All though the song is about a girl and a breakup and that is not where I am going with this. But work with me people.) Call me cheesy but I thought, “Huh, life is like a rose.” (Insert Forest Gump mockery here.) See life is a beautiful and fragile thing, like a rose. Sure it has it’s thorns but the important part is not to let those thorns interfere with admiring the beauty of the rose itself. If you do get pricked by a thorn, cuss a little then go back to admiring the beauty. And let’s not forget that the thorns are there for a reason. To protect the rose (like from your dumb ass that got pricked by it). In life, whatever thorns we are forced to overcome serve to protect us. They protect us from forgetting how fragile life can be and they serve as a reminder to enjoy the beauty that is our life. And they give us strength and courage. Thank you to the man today who turned one of his “thorns” into entertainment and laughter.
Love to all.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Work of Art
I let Kaia take to my bald head with some washable markers. Got to find ways to make Mom having cancer fun. How many kids can say they get to write on thier moms's head with markers? :) Love to all!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Am I Just Paranoid? Am I Just Stoned?
So did you hear Willie Nelson cut off his pig tails? I haven’t confirmed, but I’ve been told he did it to show support for me. Ok, you caught me. That is a total and complete lie. But I do think having his pig tails as a wig would so rock!! I already have the handkerchiefs, I just need the ponies!
I had round one of the Taxol today. It went really well. They had originally told me to plan on being there all day but we got there at 8:30 and were done by 12:30. And I actually didn’t start the actual treatment until about 10 because I had labs drawn and met with the oncologist first. I had to sit in one of the chairs by the nursing station (not the usual window seat I prefer) because there is a slight but serious risk of an allergic reaction to the Taxol so the crew needs to be close in the event that happens. They actually gave me some Benadryl via my port before the Taxol as precaution. My dad wanted to know how they would know if I had an allergic reaction if they gave me Benadryl first. Very good question and I forget to ask. I’ll try to remember next time. So when the nurse was hooking it up she said, “Now because you are so small, this will probably hit you like a really strong margarita.” My response was, “This is the best chemo round ever!” In reality, I thought, “Yep, you don’t know who you’re talking to woman. I grew up on the border. I took my sippy cup frozen with salt.” (You got to be tough to live on the border as my PaPa Roy would say.) Yeah, well, she knew exactly what she was talking about. About five minutes later, I was working and looked up to say something to Kevin and my mouth just didn’t work properly. Time to stop working before I do something stupid. So I kicked back in my chair with my pillow and blanket and enjoyed the buzz. It was the first time I ever watched TV while there. Usually I work, read or FB. Not today. Well, I did post the margarita thing on FB and spelled “strong” and “margarita” wrong so I quit. Once the Benadryl and anti-nausea meds were done, they hooked up the Taxol. They set it to drip very slowly at first to see how I would react to it and gave me a long laundry list of “if you feel this, call us immediately.” “If anything feels wrong at all, call us immediately. “ I have to admit, I was really nervous about the whole allergic reaction thing. I always get online to research this stuff before I go in to give me an idea of what to expect and I stupidly got caught up in a blog where everyone and their next door neighbor’s dog had a severe allergic reaction to it. Sure, I had found just as many people if not more that had gone through it just fine but come on we all know those are the boring stories. I wanted action and drama. Big mistake. As I am sitting in the chair and I start to worry about every little thing. “My finger just twitched. Should I call them?”. “My knee cap itches. Could it be an allergic reaction?”. “My ear hurts like crazy. This surely has to be an allergic reaction!” No, it wasn’t. I was just lying on my ear phones wrong. That’s when I realized that I was being paranoid. Wait, did that nurse say margarita or marijuana? Yet another reason to get my hands on those Willie ponies. Surely, they’d know. Anyway, every 15 minutes or so, they came to check on many and since I was doing well, they would increase the amount I was getting. I didn’t have any problems at all. (Well, with the exception of being loopy.) So we were all done, Kevin and I packed up our stuff, scheduled all of my treatments for June and headed out for a bite.
Oh yes, I almost forgot. My comment earlier about time to stop working before I do something stupid well I did stop working but about two hours ago, I sent a text message to my sister and the convo went like this:
Me: Willie cut his ponies off!
Her: LOL!
Me: Why are you loling? That doesn’t make you sad!?
Then I realized that the text message had not gone to my sister but to a professional contact of mine whose name also begins with a D. I quickly explained and he’s a cool cat so he got a good chuckle. I’m just thankful I didn’t use some of the names my sister and I lovingly call each other like “Bitch Face.” That would have required more splainin Lucy!
Love to all!
I had round one of the Taxol today. It went really well. They had originally told me to plan on being there all day but we got there at 8:30 and were done by 12:30. And I actually didn’t start the actual treatment until about 10 because I had labs drawn and met with the oncologist first. I had to sit in one of the chairs by the nursing station (not the usual window seat I prefer) because there is a slight but serious risk of an allergic reaction to the Taxol so the crew needs to be close in the event that happens. They actually gave me some Benadryl via my port before the Taxol as precaution. My dad wanted to know how they would know if I had an allergic reaction if they gave me Benadryl first. Very good question and I forget to ask. I’ll try to remember next time. So when the nurse was hooking it up she said, “Now because you are so small, this will probably hit you like a really strong margarita.” My response was, “This is the best chemo round ever!” In reality, I thought, “Yep, you don’t know who you’re talking to woman. I grew up on the border. I took my sippy cup frozen with salt.” (You got to be tough to live on the border as my PaPa Roy would say.) Yeah, well, she knew exactly what she was talking about. About five minutes later, I was working and looked up to say something to Kevin and my mouth just didn’t work properly. Time to stop working before I do something stupid. So I kicked back in my chair with my pillow and blanket and enjoyed the buzz. It was the first time I ever watched TV while there. Usually I work, read or FB. Not today. Well, I did post the margarita thing on FB and spelled “strong” and “margarita” wrong so I quit. Once the Benadryl and anti-nausea meds were done, they hooked up the Taxol. They set it to drip very slowly at first to see how I would react to it and gave me a long laundry list of “if you feel this, call us immediately.” “If anything feels wrong at all, call us immediately. “ I have to admit, I was really nervous about the whole allergic reaction thing. I always get online to research this stuff before I go in to give me an idea of what to expect and I stupidly got caught up in a blog where everyone and their next door neighbor’s dog had a severe allergic reaction to it. Sure, I had found just as many people if not more that had gone through it just fine but come on we all know those are the boring stories. I wanted action and drama. Big mistake. As I am sitting in the chair and I start to worry about every little thing. “My finger just twitched. Should I call them?”. “My knee cap itches. Could it be an allergic reaction?”. “My ear hurts like crazy. This surely has to be an allergic reaction!” No, it wasn’t. I was just lying on my ear phones wrong. That’s when I realized that I was being paranoid. Wait, did that nurse say margarita or marijuana? Yet another reason to get my hands on those Willie ponies. Surely, they’d know. Anyway, every 15 minutes or so, they came to check on many and since I was doing well, they would increase the amount I was getting. I didn’t have any problems at all. (Well, with the exception of being loopy.) So we were all done, Kevin and I packed up our stuff, scheduled all of my treatments for June and headed out for a bite.
Oh yes, I almost forgot. My comment earlier about time to stop working before I do something stupid well I did stop working but about two hours ago, I sent a text message to my sister and the convo went like this:
Me: Willie cut his ponies off!
Her: LOL!
Me: Why are you loling? That doesn’t make you sad!?
Then I realized that the text message had not gone to my sister but to a professional contact of mine whose name also begins with a D. I quickly explained and he’s a cool cat so he got a good chuckle. I’m just thankful I didn’t use some of the names my sister and I lovingly call each other like “Bitch Face.” That would have required more splainin Lucy!
Love to all!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Dear Cancer, Now You've Just Pissed Me Off!
So my fourth and final round of AC, not so great. I ended up in the ER Friday night. I felt great Thursday and most of the day Friday but about 4pm on Friday, I started getting really tired and my stomach started cramping some. So when Kevin got home, I had some soup, regular meds, and anti-nausea meds then I went upstairs and was asleep by 6pm. Didn’t hear him put the kids to bed and I didn’t hear my parents and Aunt get here. And at 9pm the fun began. I threw up so I texted Kevin to bring me some crushed ice and 7-up. (That’s what we do in my house, we text each other. Silly I know but it works.) So up he came with my drink. No fever. Stomach cramping. Body aching. Will try to go back to sleep. 10pm threw up again. Texted Kevin. It was decided to call doctor and see what they suggest. Anti-nausea meds not doing their job at this point. My oncologist called back within 10 minutes and told Kevin to take me to ER for fluids and to get checked out. I didn’t feel like moving much less getting in the car and driving to the ER on a Friday night but I knew I would just continue to feel worse if I didn’t. Luckily, mom was able to stay here with the kids while Kevin, Dad and Aunty Sissy went to the ER with me. Throw up again in Kevin’s truck on the way to the hospital. When we get there, they get us back right away and get me set up for the fluids. I now have a slight fever of 101.5. Throw up two more times while waiting for anti-nausea meds to start coursing through my veins. Very dehydrated by this time. And very tired. Doctor comes in and does his assessment. Blood work showed my WBC was very high which he believes may either be an infection or the result of the Neulasta shot I have to have the day after chemo to help my white cells grow to fight infection. But he is concerned it is so high it is probably infection. Suckage. Sets me up for chest xray to check lungs and heart and CT scan to check my belly since it was a little tender when he pushed on it. Which is probably from me throwing up five times in two hours but as always, let’s check to be on the safe side. There was talk of admitting me which really made me sad. But both of those tests came back good and the fluids and anti-nausea meds did their trick and soon I was feeling better. The ER doctor called the doctor on call for my oncologist who suggested giving me an Rx for a different anti-nausea med and an anti-biotic just to be on the safe side. If I could show them I could hold down Tylenol for the fever and the anti-biotic, they would let me go home and I wouldn’t have to be admitted. YES! Come on tummy, don’t fail me now. It worked; I was able to keep it down so we got home sometime between 3-4 am. Slept most of Saturday and still feeling pretty crappy today but not nauseous so rest should do the trick.
So, here is what really pissed me off and got me “mad dog mean”. (Another quote from one of my favorite cancer ass kickers.) I’ve read several times and don’t know who originally said it and I am paraphrasing but they are right on: Cancer sometimes tends to be harder on those who love us than it is on the patient itself. The first time I saw the look in my husband and sister’s eyes when I got sick after round two I knew what that meant. The absolute hopelessness they feel from not being able to make be better, the worry and sadness in their eyes that they can’t hide no matter how hard they try. And this weekend, bastard cancer made my parent’s see me sick and I saw the same looks of despair on their faces. I can’t even come close to know what it feels like having a spouse, sibling, parent, or child with cancer and I obviously pray I never do. I don’t think I would handle that as well as having cancer myself. So cancer has that against it but then it made me miss my nephew Nolan’s sixth birthday party. And when he called me that afternoon to thank me for the present and then he said, “I wish you could have been here”, I had to fight hard so he wouldn’t hear his Aunt Turtle cry. Mad dog mean all over again. I know there will be other parties and as soon as I feel better I am taking him out to make up for the fun and celebrating I missed but I wanted to be there. This was the first “real” thing I had to miss due to cancer and its bastard self. It’s going to take me a while to get over this one. But you know what? The fuel to kick this cancer’s ass is stronger than ever.
I will end on a good note. The adorable man, Mr. Mike, who performed my CT Scan asked what type of cancer I have and when I told him he said, “Well, I am very sorry and I know this chemo is making you miserable but sweetheart, it must be doing a great job because I can’t even see any lesions in that area with the CT Scan.” How’s that for telling cancer to suck it!?
Love to all.
So, here is what really pissed me off and got me “mad dog mean”. (Another quote from one of my favorite cancer ass kickers.) I’ve read several times and don’t know who originally said it and I am paraphrasing but they are right on: Cancer sometimes tends to be harder on those who love us than it is on the patient itself. The first time I saw the look in my husband and sister’s eyes when I got sick after round two I knew what that meant. The absolute hopelessness they feel from not being able to make be better, the worry and sadness in their eyes that they can’t hide no matter how hard they try. And this weekend, bastard cancer made my parent’s see me sick and I saw the same looks of despair on their faces. I can’t even come close to know what it feels like having a spouse, sibling, parent, or child with cancer and I obviously pray I never do. I don’t think I would handle that as well as having cancer myself. So cancer has that against it but then it made me miss my nephew Nolan’s sixth birthday party. And when he called me that afternoon to thank me for the present and then he said, “I wish you could have been here”, I had to fight hard so he wouldn’t hear his Aunt Turtle cry. Mad dog mean all over again. I know there will be other parties and as soon as I feel better I am taking him out to make up for the fun and celebrating I missed but I wanted to be there. This was the first “real” thing I had to miss due to cancer and its bastard self. It’s going to take me a while to get over this one. But you know what? The fuel to kick this cancer’s ass is stronger than ever.
I will end on a good note. The adorable man, Mr. Mike, who performed my CT Scan asked what type of cancer I have and when I told him he said, “Well, I am very sorry and I know this chemo is making you miserable but sweetheart, it must be doing a great job because I can’t even see any lesions in that area with the CT Scan.” How’s that for telling cancer to suck it!?
Love to all.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Mama Said Knock You Out
I am sitting in the chair waiting on my fourth and final AC treatment! Mama's ready to knock it out! I am very excited about this for multiple reasons. First and foremost, this is the first thing that has been completed in my treatment. I can check something off the list now. For those that know me well, you know that means I can strike through the text in my Excel spreadsheet. Oh how I like my Excel spreadsheets. Also, the next treatment in store for me isn’t supposed to be as mean. Well, that’s what they keep telling me anyway but then they say stuff like, “you will feel like you have the flu for a couple of days a week” or “sometimes people don’t make it through the whole 12 treatments so we have to cut back to 10 because it’s too rough on them.” But I think the reason the Taxol is supposed to be nicer is because it typically doesn’t mess with your blood count and it doesn’t usually make people sick to their stomachs. That is a big plus if I ever heard one! One of the major things the oncologist told me this morning that they look for is numbness or tingling in hand and feet. If you catch it early enough, they can control it. However, it is one of the only things that can be permanent from the chemo. No worries, they watch me like a hawk anyway. I didn’t get sick from the third round so we scheduled fluids for next week just like we did with round three so keep your fingers crossed it works this time too!
Some great news is that we can’t even feel the tumor anymore. The chemo has shrunk the tumor tremendously. Of course, that doesn’t mean that it isn’t there but it does mean the chemo is working and that is something to be thankful for. My oncologist and I are both anxious to see what the pathology results are like when they do the bilateral mastectomy.
We had a great weekend this past weekend. Kevin and I celebrated six years of our fabulous marriage. I asked him if he ever thought we would celebrate our six year anniversary with two kids and both of us being bald. Man, when that man said “in sickness and in health”, he really meant it. What a trooper he has been and continues to be. I’m a lucky lucky woman. Anyway, we celebrated by having a fabulous dinner at Trulucks and then finished off with Kevin Fowler at an outdoor show. It was great. Then Sunday morning, we got up, went and had breakfast and bought bikes and a trailer to pull the kids in. It is so much fun and the kids love it. They are super cute in their little helmets. Kevin even started riding his bike to work a few times a week. That is about a six mile round trip. Very proud of him!
Love to all!
Some great news is that we can’t even feel the tumor anymore. The chemo has shrunk the tumor tremendously. Of course, that doesn’t mean that it isn’t there but it does mean the chemo is working and that is something to be thankful for. My oncologist and I are both anxious to see what the pathology results are like when they do the bilateral mastectomy.
We had a great weekend this past weekend. Kevin and I celebrated six years of our fabulous marriage. I asked him if he ever thought we would celebrate our six year anniversary with two kids and both of us being bald. Man, when that man said “in sickness and in health”, he really meant it. What a trooper he has been and continues to be. I’m a lucky lucky woman. Anyway, we celebrated by having a fabulous dinner at Trulucks and then finished off with Kevin Fowler at an outdoor show. It was great. Then Sunday morning, we got up, went and had breakfast and bought bikes and a trailer to pull the kids in. It is so much fun and the kids love it. They are super cute in their little helmets. Kevin even started riding his bike to work a few times a week. That is about a six mile round trip. Very proud of him!
Love to all!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Updates, Updates and More Updates
So I had the third of four bad boy chemo treatments last week. That means only one more of those guys left! YES! I am told that the next treatments (given weekly for 12 weeks) shouldn’t be so mean. All though, I think I’ve been pretty lucky with the side effects. Some down days for sure but they don’t last and that is lucky! I’m waiting to see how round three is going to treat me. Rounds one and two hit me about a week after treatment with round two being meaner than round one. However, the fab docs switched my anti nausea meds that they give me before treatment and these are supposed to last longer. They also went ahead and scheduled fluids for me when I go in tomorrow for my normal check in and lab work. The fluids last time were a huge help.
I met with another plastic surgeon last week. I loved him. He’s my boob man for sure. He was so informative and a huge help. However, much to my chagrin, he did suggest holding off on reconstruction until after radiation. Not what I wanted to hear but after listening to his expert opinion, I do agree. So, I’ll be boob-less for a while, there are worse things. That means the rest of treatment should go like this: finish chemo, bilateral mastectomy, radiation and then reconstruction.
The plastic surgeon hooked me up with a wonderful lady who is almost done with the reconstruction phase. I left his office and she was ringing my cell not 30 minutes later. We connected instantly and talked for about 45 minutes like we were old friends. She had a ton of great information to give me and couldn’t say enough about his work. She also connected me with two groups here in Austin. So far, I have only joined one but plan on joining the second when things slow down a little. The group is called the Pink Ribbon Cowgirls and it is a support group for young women (yep, I’m still considered young!!) with breast cancer. They have social events and meetings. So far, I have only utilized their forums on line which are great. They are an affiliate of the Breast Cancer Resource Center here in Austin which is just a fab organization.
Kevin and I met with the Radiation Oncologist yesterday. Once again, we are blessed with a great doctor. He’s a funny little man and I know we will get along just fine. We learned that my radiation will consist of 33 treatments. I will go everyday (weekends excluded) for 6.5 weeks. Doesn’t that sound fun? The actual radiation itself only takes about 4 minutes but when you include drive time, waiting time, changing time, and all that good stuff, I’m guessing half a morning or afternoon will be lost. He said the side effects will mainly be skin irritation, kind of like a sun burn. He said some people complain of fatigue but his chemo patients say it is nothing compared to the fatigue of chemo.
Wonderful blessing just continue to happen on this journey for me. As I stated above and many times before, I have met so many wonderful people and the wonderful people already in my life have gone above and beyond the call of duty to help my family and I out. Just last week, I received a package in the mail. Inside was a fabulous “Fight Like a Girl” t-shirt. No return address and no note. I have no idea who it came from but what a great thing for someone to do. Things like that make you realize that something that someone might consider a “little gesture” can actually be a very big gesture on the receiving end. If everyone did something “little” for someone else even on a monthly basis, think of the happiness that would bring!
Love to everyone!
I met with another plastic surgeon last week. I loved him. He’s my boob man for sure. He was so informative and a huge help. However, much to my chagrin, he did suggest holding off on reconstruction until after radiation. Not what I wanted to hear but after listening to his expert opinion, I do agree. So, I’ll be boob-less for a while, there are worse things. That means the rest of treatment should go like this: finish chemo, bilateral mastectomy, radiation and then reconstruction.
The plastic surgeon hooked me up with a wonderful lady who is almost done with the reconstruction phase. I left his office and she was ringing my cell not 30 minutes later. We connected instantly and talked for about 45 minutes like we were old friends. She had a ton of great information to give me and couldn’t say enough about his work. She also connected me with two groups here in Austin. So far, I have only joined one but plan on joining the second when things slow down a little. The group is called the Pink Ribbon Cowgirls and it is a support group for young women (yep, I’m still considered young!!) with breast cancer. They have social events and meetings. So far, I have only utilized their forums on line which are great. They are an affiliate of the Breast Cancer Resource Center here in Austin which is just a fab organization.
Kevin and I met with the Radiation Oncologist yesterday. Once again, we are blessed with a great doctor. He’s a funny little man and I know we will get along just fine. We learned that my radiation will consist of 33 treatments. I will go everyday (weekends excluded) for 6.5 weeks. Doesn’t that sound fun? The actual radiation itself only takes about 4 minutes but when you include drive time, waiting time, changing time, and all that good stuff, I’m guessing half a morning or afternoon will be lost. He said the side effects will mainly be skin irritation, kind of like a sun burn. He said some people complain of fatigue but his chemo patients say it is nothing compared to the fatigue of chemo.
Wonderful blessing just continue to happen on this journey for me. As I stated above and many times before, I have met so many wonderful people and the wonderful people already in my life have gone above and beyond the call of duty to help my family and I out. Just last week, I received a package in the mail. Inside was a fabulous “Fight Like a Girl” t-shirt. No return address and no note. I have no idea who it came from but what a great thing for someone to do. Things like that make you realize that something that someone might consider a “little gesture” can actually be a very big gesture on the receiving end. If everyone did something “little” for someone else even on a monthly basis, think of the happiness that would bring!
Love to everyone!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
My Sister's New Ink
Anyone that knows my sister and I know how close we are. To say we are best friends is an understatement. Well, she recently went above and beyond (as usual) and got a new tat to honor me. Below is her explanation of it's meaning and a pic of my beautiful hip sister and her new ink. Love you Doodle!
Lotus: Lotus flowers are amazing and have strong symbolic ties to many Asian religions especially throughoutIndia
Lotus: Lotus flowers are amazing and have strong symbolic ties to many Asian religions especially throughout
Turtle: Turtles are fascinating creatures. Their thick shells keep them safe from predators and provide them shelter, and they are known to reach ages that far surpass even humans. Polynesian and Hawaiian turtle tattoos are very common. Within these cultures, the turtle represents the calmness and tranquility that their cultures are known for. In other cultures, the turtle can represent bravery, endurance, wisdom, perseverance, safety, or longevity.
My New Ink: Crystal has been Turtle for years now and although I tell people that we call her that cause it takes her forever to do anything, the nickname started with a sweet little baby cousin trying to say Crystal. After reading what the turtle symbolizes, it occurred to me; maybe the little guy was on to something and maybe that’s why it stuck. I have always loved the lotus flower and the beauty it represents. I look at the lotus flower as a symbol of what we should all strive to be. Never have I known someone who has met my sister to deny the fact that she is a strong, beautiful and independent woman, nor have I. As many know, recently she has been challenged with the unfair battle of breast cancer, one that could devour a person’s will if they allow it. Not my sister. Not a chance. Words cannot describe how far beyond strong, beautiful and independent Crystal
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Celebrate Good Times, Come On!!!!
UPDATE: I've been told I confused people with this post. To clarify, I am not cancer free. The cancer is still in my left breast. (Though much smaller so rejoice in that!) The spot on my right breast was found in an MRI after my diganosis and yesterdsay is was determined that it wasn't cancer. So, still be happy and thankful that there is no cancer in the right breast! Sorry for the confusion
I went in today for the MRI guided biopsy of the spot the breast MRI found about a month and a half ago and guess what? It was gone!! As in no longer there! So they didn’t have to do the biopsy after all. How awesome is that?! The doctor said that sometimes hormonal changes cause spots to show up and then they disappear. I think that is what they have to say because they can’t say that all of the prayers everyone is sending my way are working!
Again, everyone I dealt with there was fabulous. This was actually a location of Austin Radiological Association that I had never been to before. It’s about the fifth location I have been t o and I always have a great experience with the staff. This doctor was no exception. I could actually see honest compassion and concern in his eyes as he came into the room to tell me what to expect and then honest elation when he was able to tell me nothing was there anymore.
For those of you who have never had a breast MRI before, it feels sort of like you are a car on one of those racks going in for service. Seriously. You lay down on your stomach, put your boobs though two little holes which they then compress and then the table lifts up and moves you into the MRI machine. You have to be completely still until the whole thing is done. About 30-45 minutes. About half way through is when your nose starts itching or when you realize your panties have somehow inched their way up your hiney even though you haven’t moved. Well, maybe that last one is just me. It’s not bad and doesn’t hurt (remember I didn’t have to do the biopsy after all) but the whole thing is a little comical.
So today was a good day. But as one of my favorite cancer ass kickers taught me, everyday above the ground is a good day. Indeed it is Mr. Flippo. Indeed it is.
So go hug someone you love, high five a stranger (please don’t get those two confused as I will not be held responsible for any assault charges), dance around, laugh uncontrollably, and just do something really silly.
Love to all.
I went in today for the MRI guided biopsy of the spot the breast MRI found about a month and a half ago and guess what? It was gone!! As in no longer there! So they didn’t have to do the biopsy after all. How awesome is that?! The doctor said that sometimes hormonal changes cause spots to show up and then they disappear. I think that is what they have to say because they can’t say that all of the prayers everyone is sending my way are working!
Again, everyone I dealt with there was fabulous. This was actually a location of Austin Radiological Association that I had never been to before. It’s about the fifth location I have been t o and I always have a great experience with the staff. This doctor was no exception. I could actually see honest compassion and concern in his eyes as he came into the room to tell me what to expect and then honest elation when he was able to tell me nothing was there anymore.
For those of you who have never had a breast MRI before, it feels sort of like you are a car on one of those racks going in for service. Seriously. You lay down on your stomach, put your boobs though two little holes which they then compress and then the table lifts up and moves you into the MRI machine. You have to be completely still until the whole thing is done. About 30-45 minutes. About half way through is when your nose starts itching or when you realize your panties have somehow inched their way up your hiney even though you haven’t moved. Well, maybe that last one is just me. It’s not bad and doesn’t hurt (remember I didn’t have to do the biopsy after all) but the whole thing is a little comical.
So today was a good day. But as one of my favorite cancer ass kickers taught me, everyday above the ground is a good day. Indeed it is Mr. Flippo. Indeed it is.
So go hug someone you love, high five a stranger (please don’t get those two confused as I will not be held responsible for any assault charges), dance around, laugh uncontrollably, and just do something really silly.
Love to all.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways. -- Anonymous
When I first met with my oncologists, one of the first things I asked is what I needed to do differently with my diet. Her response was, “Nothing.” Then she said, “There is nothing you did that caused you to get breast cancer. But there will be people who will tell you otherwise. Just ignore them. Continue to do what you do.” I like that. I would have liked it better if she told me to tell them all to suck it but whatever.
I consider myself a healthy person. The healthiest? Of course not. But I eat plenty of veggies, whole grains, mostly all organic, hormone free and all that hype. And I walk 3-4 miles a day while pushing 50 pounds of stroller and babies 4-5 times a week. Do I eat fast food occasionally? Yep. Do I do other things that aren’t good for me? Gasp, yep. Do I think that gave me cancer. See oncologist’s response above.
There is a lot of talk about research and cancer causing elements and cancer fighting foods and truthfully it is just overwhelming. I read blogs and forums and so many cancer patients change everything about themselves and their lifestyles when they find out they have cancer. For example, one breast cancer patient blogged about not eating Halloween candy with her kids because she “didn’t put that stuff in her body anymore.” Well, more power to her and I won’t judge her but you won’t catch me doing that. Cancer will not keep in from sitting on the floor on Halloween night and going through Kaia and Caleb’s candy and eating some with them.
Another woman blogged about how people look at you and the not so smart things they sometimes ask or say when they find out you have cancer. Her particular situation involved a complete stranger at a store who just happened to hear her saying something about having breast cancer to her friend. He turned to her and actually said, “Wow, you are so young. What did you do? Drink a lot of sodas? Use Sweet’N Low?” She said she wanted to say, “Yes, I pour 100 packets of Sweet’ N Low in my mouth daily. I am a horrible person and that is why I have cancer.” But instead she politely said, “No.” and walked away. I wonder what I would do in that situation. Would I say, “Actually, I just rubbed the Sweet’N Low on my boobs.” Or would I react like she did? We all know that I would act just like she did. And then I’d come home crying to Kevin about how one of the hardest parts about having cancer is people thinking something you did caused it. And then he’d say something like, I don’t know why you let it bother you, you know better than that. And then I would realize he is right and it would be over. Until it happens again. Eventually maybe that will get easier.
So what do you do with all of this research and studies regarding cancer and cause of and prevention of and blah blah blah? Well, you do what you want. I won’t tell you what to do and I won’t judge. To each his own. Me, I’ll take it all with a grain of salt. Or should that be sea salt? I read them and I shrug. For example, one recent study I read boasted eating broccoli as a prevention and cure for breast cancer in particular. Guess whose favorite food is broccoli? You guessed it, your favorite little blogger with breast cancer. Same thing for spinach, cilantro, peppers, avocado, tomatoes, and the flax seed I sprinkle on my food, and the list goes on. Sometimes you just get cancer. Sometimes there is no blatant reason why. And you can apply that to anything in life. Not just cancer.
So what is my reason for today’s blog? I really don’t know. Just continuing to share my thoughts as I make my way through this journey. So don’t read too much into it. Hey, just treat it like I do research studies!
Love to all.
I consider myself a healthy person. The healthiest? Of course not. But I eat plenty of veggies, whole grains, mostly all organic, hormone free and all that hype. And I walk 3-4 miles a day while pushing 50 pounds of stroller and babies 4-5 times a week. Do I eat fast food occasionally? Yep. Do I do other things that aren’t good for me? Gasp, yep. Do I think that gave me cancer. See oncologist’s response above.
There is a lot of talk about research and cancer causing elements and cancer fighting foods and truthfully it is just overwhelming. I read blogs and forums and so many cancer patients change everything about themselves and their lifestyles when they find out they have cancer. For example, one breast cancer patient blogged about not eating Halloween candy with her kids because she “didn’t put that stuff in her body anymore.” Well, more power to her and I won’t judge her but you won’t catch me doing that. Cancer will not keep in from sitting on the floor on Halloween night and going through Kaia and Caleb’s candy and eating some with them.
Another woman blogged about how people look at you and the not so smart things they sometimes ask or say when they find out you have cancer. Her particular situation involved a complete stranger at a store who just happened to hear her saying something about having breast cancer to her friend. He turned to her and actually said, “Wow, you are so young. What did you do? Drink a lot of sodas? Use Sweet’N Low?” She said she wanted to say, “Yes, I pour 100 packets of Sweet’ N Low in my mouth daily. I am a horrible person and that is why I have cancer.” But instead she politely said, “No.” and walked away. I wonder what I would do in that situation. Would I say, “Actually, I just rubbed the Sweet’N Low on my boobs.” Or would I react like she did? We all know that I would act just like she did. And then I’d come home crying to Kevin about how one of the hardest parts about having cancer is people thinking something you did caused it. And then he’d say something like, I don’t know why you let it bother you, you know better than that. And then I would realize he is right and it would be over. Until it happens again. Eventually maybe that will get easier.
So what do you do with all of this research and studies regarding cancer and cause of and prevention of and blah blah blah? Well, you do what you want. I won’t tell you what to do and I won’t judge. To each his own. Me, I’ll take it all with a grain of salt. Or should that be sea salt? I read them and I shrug. For example, one recent study I read boasted eating broccoli as a prevention and cure for breast cancer in particular. Guess whose favorite food is broccoli? You guessed it, your favorite little blogger with breast cancer. Same thing for spinach, cilantro, peppers, avocado, tomatoes, and the flax seed I sprinkle on my food, and the list goes on. Sometimes you just get cancer. Sometimes there is no blatant reason why. And you can apply that to anything in life. Not just cancer.
So what is my reason for today’s blog? I really don’t know. Just continuing to share my thoughts as I make my way through this journey. So don’t read too much into it. Hey, just treat it like I do research studies!
Love to all.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Did anybody get the license plate of the truck that hit me?
Ba-dum-dum-ching.
So there I was just sailing along, thinking I was handling this chemo business just fine when chemo said, “Uh, no, not so fast biatch! I’m gonna knock you down a notch woman!” And boy did it.
Tuesday morning started just as normal as always. I got up and got ready to go into the office for a couple of hours while the kids go to school. We came down stairs and had breakfast. Then I started getting lunches and such ready and BOOM the first wave of nausea hit. No sooner than I recovered from that one, another one hit. Ok, new plan, I’ll take kids to school, come home and take some meds and rest. I picked up the phone to let Kevin know what was going on and as I was telling him, here come the dry heaves. “Stay put and I’ll come get the kids.” He said. Yea, my hero! I’ll continue to get the kids ready so he can grab them and go like fast food I think to myself as I pop an anti-nausea pill that will knock me out in about an hour. “Mommy, I have to go poo poo!” You’re kidding right? Now? Really, Kaia? Yep, really. So, I put Kaia on the potty and go back into the kitchen to get Caleb out of his high chair and dressed. Oh, what is that smell? Caleb’s diaper. For those of you who have not had the privilege of changing a poopy Caleb diaper, he is the smelliest, grossest baby on the planet. And I say that with all the love in my heart. Well, sorry Caleb, I can’t handle this right now. Crawl around on the floor try not to sit on your hiney please. I know, gross and neglectful but he was smiling the whole time so he didn’t care. Plus Kevin literally works like 10 minutes away. It wasn’t like it was hours. Oh yea, time to go finish up with Kaia. I’ll spare you details but I was able to get through that just fine and I got her dressed just in time for Kevin to walk through the door. He changed Caleb and out the door they went. To the couch I went. Waves of nausea would come and go all day but like I said the anti-nausea meds knock me out so I slept through most of it. Kevin and the kids came home and went to bed without me really even noticing.
Well, if I thought Tuesday was bad, Chemo let me know Wednesday morning that it was just getting started. Kevin brought the kids downstairs and took one look at me lying on the couch (I sleep on the couch when I am sick, don’t know why) and said, “I’m working from home today.” I think I might have mumbled something and then got up to throw up. On a side note, have I mentioned how wonderful Heatwave Interactive is to us? Kevin and I both work with them. Yes, I said with them not for them. That is how you feel when you work for such incredible people. Kevin started there when I was pregnant with Kaia so they have been through both pregnancies and now this nonsense and they just keep growing more supportive. We are truly blessed to work with such wonderful people. So back to the couch I go. I have never felt this hideous in my life. Of course, you know you always say that until the next time you have never felt so hideous. But I think this has truly been the worst ever. At some point that day and I’m not sure when, my sister came over and picked up the kids to stay the night at her house. I vaguely remember trying to fight them on that a little. “No Doodle, you have school.” “Its fine Turtle, I will drop them off at Wanna Play and make it to school on time.” “You don’t know how to drop them off.” “I bet I can figure it out.” Ok, I admit defeat. They’ll have more fun over there anyway. Love you guys, behave and all that stuff. Sigh. I’m going back to sleep. No you’re not, you need to go shower for your doctor’s appointment. Do I really need to shower, Kevin? Do I smell that bad? Here smell my pits. “Go shower baby. It will make you feel better.” Fine. Defeated again. Shower, throw up, and shower again. Next thing I know, Kevin and I are sitting at Texas Oncology and I am getting fluids and anti-nausea meds through my port. Aww, sweet relief. I literally felt like a plant that had been neglected only to receive a nice afternoon rain shower and perk back up again. (Right now my plants are going, if you know what it feels like come water us woman!) While there, we learned that my white blood cell count was .4. Almost nonexistent. Well, that would explain the past two days. It was decided that the MRI guided biopsy I had scheduled for Thursday would be postponed for another week to let my count get back up. Don’t want to cut me open when I can’t fight off infection. My oncologist also thought it would be a good idea to give me next week off from chemo to let my body recover from this rough round. Fabulouso! I’m all about that plan. Wait, that means that I will be done with this Chemo business a week later than planned. That sucks. Oh, well, minor setback I can easily get over. Came home and actually ate a little and then guess what I did? You guessed, slept.
Thursday, Doodle dropped the kids off at school without any issues and Kevin went into work. Guess what I did? Hey, you’re catching on! Slept all day. This is the day the bone aches started. The shot they give me the day after chemo to boost my white blood cells does that. It’s my bone marrow working overtime to make white blood cells. So though it felt like my bones were shattering into a million pieces, I welcomed the pain if that meant my body was making white blood cells. Well, I welcomed it with some pain killers to take the edge off.
So here we are on Friday. I feel much better than the past three days for sure but not quite there yet. I forced Kevin out the door this morning but he some how caught on to my plan of just making it through the day and came home to work.
You know when you see those commercials for some sort of medicine for some disease that you have never heard of and when you hear the side effects, you go, “wow, is that the cure or the disease?!” That’s what chemo reminds me of. It is certainly the lesser of the two evils (hmm cancer or chemo, cancer or chemo?) and I welcome its inconvenience for the short time I need it to kick this cancer’s ass.
So there you go. Things got ugly. But we knew that was coming. So, no worries. We just keep on a trucking through this until we reach the end and look back and say, “Hey, that wasn’t so bad. I wouldn’t want to do it again but it wasn’t too bad.”
Love to all.
So there I was just sailing along, thinking I was handling this chemo business just fine when chemo said, “Uh, no, not so fast biatch! I’m gonna knock you down a notch woman!” And boy did it.
Tuesday morning started just as normal as always. I got up and got ready to go into the office for a couple of hours while the kids go to school. We came down stairs and had breakfast. Then I started getting lunches and such ready and BOOM the first wave of nausea hit. No sooner than I recovered from that one, another one hit. Ok, new plan, I’ll take kids to school, come home and take some meds and rest. I picked up the phone to let Kevin know what was going on and as I was telling him, here come the dry heaves. “Stay put and I’ll come get the kids.” He said. Yea, my hero! I’ll continue to get the kids ready so he can grab them and go like fast food I think to myself as I pop an anti-nausea pill that will knock me out in about an hour. “Mommy, I have to go poo poo!” You’re kidding right? Now? Really, Kaia? Yep, really. So, I put Kaia on the potty and go back into the kitchen to get Caleb out of his high chair and dressed. Oh, what is that smell? Caleb’s diaper. For those of you who have not had the privilege of changing a poopy Caleb diaper, he is the smelliest, grossest baby on the planet. And I say that with all the love in my heart. Well, sorry Caleb, I can’t handle this right now. Crawl around on the floor try not to sit on your hiney please. I know, gross and neglectful but he was smiling the whole time so he didn’t care. Plus Kevin literally works like 10 minutes away. It wasn’t like it was hours. Oh yea, time to go finish up with Kaia. I’ll spare you details but I was able to get through that just fine and I got her dressed just in time for Kevin to walk through the door. He changed Caleb and out the door they went. To the couch I went. Waves of nausea would come and go all day but like I said the anti-nausea meds knock me out so I slept through most of it. Kevin and the kids came home and went to bed without me really even noticing.
Well, if I thought Tuesday was bad, Chemo let me know Wednesday morning that it was just getting started. Kevin brought the kids downstairs and took one look at me lying on the couch (I sleep on the couch when I am sick, don’t know why) and said, “I’m working from home today.” I think I might have mumbled something and then got up to throw up. On a side note, have I mentioned how wonderful Heatwave Interactive is to us? Kevin and I both work with them. Yes, I said with them not for them. That is how you feel when you work for such incredible people. Kevin started there when I was pregnant with Kaia so they have been through both pregnancies and now this nonsense and they just keep growing more supportive. We are truly blessed to work with such wonderful people. So back to the couch I go. I have never felt this hideous in my life. Of course, you know you always say that until the next time you have never felt so hideous. But I think this has truly been the worst ever. At some point that day and I’m not sure when, my sister came over and picked up the kids to stay the night at her house. I vaguely remember trying to fight them on that a little. “No Doodle, you have school.” “Its fine Turtle, I will drop them off at Wanna Play and make it to school on time.” “You don’t know how to drop them off.” “I bet I can figure it out.” Ok, I admit defeat. They’ll have more fun over there anyway. Love you guys, behave and all that stuff. Sigh. I’m going back to sleep. No you’re not, you need to go shower for your doctor’s appointment. Do I really need to shower, Kevin? Do I smell that bad? Here smell my pits. “Go shower baby. It will make you feel better.” Fine. Defeated again. Shower, throw up, and shower again. Next thing I know, Kevin and I are sitting at Texas Oncology and I am getting fluids and anti-nausea meds through my port. Aww, sweet relief. I literally felt like a plant that had been neglected only to receive a nice afternoon rain shower and perk back up again. (Right now my plants are going, if you know what it feels like come water us woman!) While there, we learned that my white blood cell count was .4. Almost nonexistent. Well, that would explain the past two days. It was decided that the MRI guided biopsy I had scheduled for Thursday would be postponed for another week to let my count get back up. Don’t want to cut me open when I can’t fight off infection. My oncologist also thought it would be a good idea to give me next week off from chemo to let my body recover from this rough round. Fabulouso! I’m all about that plan. Wait, that means that I will be done with this Chemo business a week later than planned. That sucks. Oh, well, minor setback I can easily get over. Came home and actually ate a little and then guess what I did? You guessed, slept.
Thursday, Doodle dropped the kids off at school without any issues and Kevin went into work. Guess what I did? Hey, you’re catching on! Slept all day. This is the day the bone aches started. The shot they give me the day after chemo to boost my white blood cells does that. It’s my bone marrow working overtime to make white blood cells. So though it felt like my bones were shattering into a million pieces, I welcomed the pain if that meant my body was making white blood cells. Well, I welcomed it with some pain killers to take the edge off.
So here we are on Friday. I feel much better than the past three days for sure but not quite there yet. I forced Kevin out the door this morning but he some how caught on to my plan of just making it through the day and came home to work.
You know when you see those commercials for some sort of medicine for some disease that you have never heard of and when you hear the side effects, you go, “wow, is that the cure or the disease?!” That’s what chemo reminds me of. It is certainly the lesser of the two evils (hmm cancer or chemo, cancer or chemo?) and I welcome its inconvenience for the short time I need it to kick this cancer’s ass.
So there you go. Things got ugly. But we knew that was coming. So, no worries. We just keep on a trucking through this until we reach the end and look back and say, “Hey, that wasn’t so bad. I wouldn’t want to do it again but it wasn’t too bad.”
Love to all.
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